Just a quickie and a picture…the hair is growing back, but I look like I should be wearing Dockers and sensible shoes. Haha.
I met with the plastic surgeon, yesterday morning. Nice man, kinda funky looking, asked about mom, said she was a sweet lady, and asked if he'd met me before. I said, no, probably one of my sisters and he said we had the same eyes. Must have been Kendra he met then. I dunno. Took pictures. Little "picture" room off the exam room. Kinda weird.
Anyhoo…if I have to have a mastectomy, he can make them both look "lifted", but….BUT….the biggest implant they make is 800cc, and he estimated that I have 1,200 or 1,300cc (can't remember which he said) of breast tissue. Which means that essentially it would be reduction to the right breast, and best he could do would be about a C cup. I'll have to say good-bye to my DD status. Not really thrilled about that, although lifted would be nice.
I guess there is not going to be any simple, easy or desirable way through this whole thing. Just when I think I can cope with a mastectomy if need be, I find out not only do I lose one breast, I lose two cup sizes in the other in the process.
I know, I know…just get it out of there, my health is most important…UGH…
Disfiguration from a larger lumpectomy to take both spots (undesirable to Dr. R, surgeon #1) is looking higher up on my list of prefered crappy results of having cancer.
This is what they do…(yes "they")…they beat you down until you are too tired to argue anymore and then just do what they want anyway.
I see Dr. B. (surgeon #2) Tuesday afternoon, after driving all the way to North Scottsdale to retrieve my films the ()*$)%(&!@#'s wouldn't let me take with me when I have my biopsy. Yes, you have ALL of them, even the one's you didn't take. Yes, I want the FILMS, not just reports…GRRR…idiot in their "file room".
I called Dr. R.'s assistant, and told her I had met w/ Dr. (plastic surgeon), and that he had mentioned a "skin sparing mastectomy" and I wanted to make sure that Dr. R. would be onboard with that…she said, oh he always leaves as much skin as he can…oh sure, I want to hear the words "skin sparing" come out of his mouth. I am not sure if I want him to do the mastectomy is that's the way I have to go. The main reason I would, would be that (plastic surgeon) works with him often, and (plastic surgeon) has never worked with Dr. B., and I don't know if R. goes to the same hospitals B. uses. I forgot to ask (her) if he ever answered her about my swelling…dang it! Now I have to call her back.
Maybe Dr. R. is in cahoots with plastic surgeons to cut 'em off and send 'em there for reconstruction…
Yes, I'm grumpy. Mostly on the inside. I see Dr. (oncologist) again next Friday. And I'm scheduled for an MRI on the 12th.
I may be over my desire to keep my breast's ashes in an urn. I think saying it outloud in the restaurant last Saturday to Mom and (sisters) may have been enough. But am still going to find an urn. I wonder if skin and breast tissue leave ashes…it's mostly fat..it probably just evaporates.
I've had the flu. It seems to be going around. Someone else here at work came down with it today, and threw up 3 times before we had to practically throw her out of here. I do not want it again. It was awful. Worse than chemo.
I'm so ready for this all to be over, but the more I think I'm near the end, the more it seems like it never ends. Not completely. I wanted to get through chemo, have my lumpectomy and go back to normal. But I can't…it's turning out to be far more life-altering than I wanted it to be.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Dear Shelli,
I am so sorry that you are having to experience this trauma. Sometimes the Lord sends things to us in the order we can handle the news. Yes, it is definitely frustrating that the doctors were not all on the same page but maybe the news would have been so devastating that you could not have done all the chemo, etc. as you did. I understand the trauma of losing a breast (even if I was married) it was horrible. I am so visual, just knowing I would be deformed was humiliating. I just had to look at the bigger picture. A breast after all is not an essential part of my functioning on a daily basis. To loose and eye, arm, leg, etc would have been tragic. A breast or two of them in my case was disappointing. You have a son to raise and to leave anything that could metastasize would be very risky. I had the same condition and what they told me was not that I might risk further cancer, but that the only question was when the cancer would reoccur. A breast was not worth that. I did not have to do chemo, because they didn't do it back then if the tumor was contained. In hindsight, I beat the percentages. It has been over twenty years for me and I have been at peace with the decision. The one thing I liked was that the plastic surgeon did the reconstruction at the same time. I did not have to do a separate surgery. I ache for your decision, and I am sorry it is so painful for you. What is the Lord wanting you to learn from this? Surely our challenges are custom designed. Acceptance of what our challenges are in life brings peace. It's that "kicking against the pricks!" that brings so much pain. Sometimes we do things because it's the right thing to do not what we want to do. By all means get second oppinions -- but by all means -- be wise.
My prayers are with you and I love you. (Aunt) G.
I am so sorry that you are having to experience this trauma. Sometimes the Lord sends things to us in the order we can handle the news. Yes, it is definitely frustrating that the doctors were not all on the same page but maybe the news would have been so devastating that you could not have done all the chemo, etc. as you did. I understand the trauma of losing a breast (even if I was married) it was horrible. I am so visual, just knowing I would be deformed was humiliating. I just had to look at the bigger picture. A breast after all is not an essential part of my functioning on a daily basis. To loose and eye, arm, leg, etc would have been tragic. A breast or two of them in my case was disappointing. You have a son to raise and to leave anything that could metastasize would be very risky. I had the same condition and what they told me was not that I might risk further cancer, but that the only question was when the cancer would reoccur. A breast was not worth that. I did not have to do chemo, because they didn't do it back then if the tumor was contained. In hindsight, I beat the percentages. It has been over twenty years for me and I have been at peace with the decision. The one thing I liked was that the plastic surgeon did the reconstruction at the same time. I did not have to do a separate surgery. I ache for your decision, and I am sorry it is so painful for you. What is the Lord wanting you to learn from this? Surely our challenges are custom designed. Acceptance of what our challenges are in life brings peace. It's that "kicking against the pricks!" that brings so much pain. Sometimes we do things because it's the right thing to do not what we want to do. By all means get second oppinions -- but by all means -- be wise.
My prayers are with you and I love you. (Aunt) G.
Friday, September 15, 2006 Conversation with a (Male) Friend
I'm not doing so well this morning. I can't do this cancer thing anymore. I can't lose a breast. I can't wake up from surgery to half a flat chest.
Why did I chose this? What did I think I needed to learn? Would I have been such an insufferable monster that I needed so many things to humble me in life? Was my childhood and crushed self-esteem not enough? I've already lost an eye, do I now need to lose a breast also? What's next?
I am overwhelmed today.
------------------------
Am I vain? Like conceited and vain??
------------------------
From T.:
No; mortal, but not obsessed with vanity. I don’t think conceit has
anything to do with this, as vanity seems to rule in this arena.
I would be upset to lose a tooth, not much less a chest fruit. With
everything else going on, don’t wonder about your vanity. It is okay…
your body is the inner most circle in which yourself dwells…..you
want to protect it and have it be intact as much as possible.
I actually felt a little weird when I had my hip surgery. I lost a significant
amount of my leg bone and the entire hip socket. I chose my surgeon
because he was renowned for a relatively small incision.
I thought I had that squared away with him, small incision. Then I
woke up from surgery and found the he had literally cut my left
buttock in half, literally! The incision ran from the buttock all the
way down my leg half way to my knee. This surgery doesn’t normally
require that the buttock is cut. The left side deflated and
I was horribly lopsided, it was noticeable with clothes on to others,
and btw, know ahead of time, it wasn’t just me looking in the mirror and thinking
it looked bad, it was bad. I found it interesting how I dealt with. It wasn’t
a breast, but, it was kind of a semi-private part and was forever changed.
It just made me feel vulnerable and human. As time has gone by, I have
built up the muscle, but, it will never be the same. I don’t change in the
dressing room anymore. I am angry still to a lesser degree with the dr.
I know breast trumps butt, but…just empathizing where I can to a small
degree..
----------------------
the question went back to the morning's first email...why did I need, in this life, to lose an eye, to have breast cancer and lose my eye-lashes, my hair and possibly a breast...without those losses, was I posed to be horribly vain and superficial? Or is there something else here that I am supposed to figure out?
I appreciate your empathy. You probably understand better than anyone other than someone who has also lost a breast, who was very attached to them at least. My mother didn't really bat an eye. Neither of my sisters think they would shed a tear if called upon to do so. I just don't think I can do it.
---------------------
From T.:
Circumstances imposed upon us are all okay with us before we come here apparently.
Destructive consequences we impose upon ourselves probably are not, but, in the
blink of an eye, life will be done for all of us. Someone who lived at the time of Abraham
had feelings, intents and desires. They suffered loss with no possibility of recovery,
no cosmetic remedy. And yet, whatever they suffered, whatever fallout resulted, ended
more than 5000 years ago. They have been whole for over 5000 years at least in the
spirit world, if not already resurrected. The years spent in broken mortality have
been trumped and made up 5000 times over.
Probably the better question to ask is not why me now, but, what in tarnation
was I thinking before I came to earth 39 years ago?
----------------------
well, yeah, that's basically what my question is...what was I thinking? Why did I sign up for this, what purpose did I have in my non-mortal, never felt pain mind, to put my name down for all this...why did I say, please Lord, let me be fat, lose an eye and a breast, oh yeah, and an abusive childhood would be just the ticket to start it all off with...
But bitter undertones aside...seriously...why did I choose this? I have a FAR easier time saying, why did I choose this, and looking for answers, than saying, why did God do this to me, and looking for answers. What did I want me to learn? I have to figure it out. Staving off vanity would be an answer that fit all categories...hmmm...if I make it through childhood and the loss of my eye alive, let's add on a weight problem, then if I emerge into adulthood with any shred of self-esteem intact, let's tack on breast cancer just so to make sure I CAN'T be vain...I don't know Tom...I keep asking myself if I have those potential traits in me...maybe, but I have to think that at this point I was pretty well clear of turning into a mean, blonde cheerleader type, wouldn't you think?
So what is it? I voiced to Cyndi the other day the quandry of what I was supposed to learn from this. She told me she didn't know but that others had learned a lot from me. Does it work that way? Or does there have to be something else I'm supposed to discover or be humbled of?
---------------------
There are two answers to the questions you pose, grasshopper.
The first answer is applicable to all:
You have these trials to draw closer to Christ. Pat as it may
seem, when you come to know Him as you will, He will melt
you into a supreme joy and peace beyond your ability to believe.
You will develop an attachment and faith that will guide your
life and He will be near, bearing your inner burdens for you.
These trials are designed to bring you (and others who learn from
you) to the above understanding. So simple an answer that it
is frustrating.
The second answer is:
Found on your own individual path/journey. It is understanding
your patriarchal blessing and comes in part through meditation and prayer.
Asking the right questions, posturing your position before Him in just
the right way. These answers will surely come, but are you willing to do
what it takes to find out? If so, you will know your individual worth and
realize who you are beyond beauty, eyes, breast, figure.
-----------------------
Why did I chose this? What did I think I needed to learn? Would I have been such an insufferable monster that I needed so many things to humble me in life? Was my childhood and crushed self-esteem not enough? I've already lost an eye, do I now need to lose a breast also? What's next?
I am overwhelmed today.
------------------------
Am I vain? Like conceited and vain??
------------------------
From T.:
No; mortal, but not obsessed with vanity. I don’t think conceit has
anything to do with this, as vanity seems to rule in this arena.
I would be upset to lose a tooth, not much less a chest fruit. With
everything else going on, don’t wonder about your vanity. It is okay…
your body is the inner most circle in which yourself dwells…..you
want to protect it and have it be intact as much as possible.
I actually felt a little weird when I had my hip surgery. I lost a significant
amount of my leg bone and the entire hip socket. I chose my surgeon
because he was renowned for a relatively small incision.
I thought I had that squared away with him, small incision. Then I
woke up from surgery and found the he had literally cut my left
buttock in half, literally! The incision ran from the buttock all the
way down my leg half way to my knee. This surgery doesn’t normally
require that the buttock is cut. The left side deflated and
I was horribly lopsided, it was noticeable with clothes on to others,
and btw, know ahead of time, it wasn’t just me looking in the mirror and thinking
it looked bad, it was bad. I found it interesting how I dealt with. It wasn’t
a breast, but, it was kind of a semi-private part and was forever changed.
It just made me feel vulnerable and human. As time has gone by, I have
built up the muscle, but, it will never be the same. I don’t change in the
dressing room anymore. I am angry still to a lesser degree with the dr.
I know breast trumps butt, but…just empathizing where I can to a small
degree..
----------------------
the question went back to the morning's first email...why did I need, in this life, to lose an eye, to have breast cancer and lose my eye-lashes, my hair and possibly a breast...without those losses, was I posed to be horribly vain and superficial? Or is there something else here that I am supposed to figure out?
I appreciate your empathy. You probably understand better than anyone other than someone who has also lost a breast, who was very attached to them at least. My mother didn't really bat an eye. Neither of my sisters think they would shed a tear if called upon to do so. I just don't think I can do it.
---------------------
From T.:
Circumstances imposed upon us are all okay with us before we come here apparently.
Destructive consequences we impose upon ourselves probably are not, but, in the
blink of an eye, life will be done for all of us. Someone who lived at the time of Abraham
had feelings, intents and desires. They suffered loss with no possibility of recovery,
no cosmetic remedy. And yet, whatever they suffered, whatever fallout resulted, ended
more than 5000 years ago. They have been whole for over 5000 years at least in the
spirit world, if not already resurrected. The years spent in broken mortality have
been trumped and made up 5000 times over.
Probably the better question to ask is not why me now, but, what in tarnation
was I thinking before I came to earth 39 years ago?
----------------------
well, yeah, that's basically what my question is...what was I thinking? Why did I sign up for this, what purpose did I have in my non-mortal, never felt pain mind, to put my name down for all this...why did I say, please Lord, let me be fat, lose an eye and a breast, oh yeah, and an abusive childhood would be just the ticket to start it all off with...
But bitter undertones aside...seriously...why did I choose this? I have a FAR easier time saying, why did I choose this, and looking for answers, than saying, why did God do this to me, and looking for answers. What did I want me to learn? I have to figure it out. Staving off vanity would be an answer that fit all categories...hmmm...if I make it through childhood and the loss of my eye alive, let's add on a weight problem, then if I emerge into adulthood with any shred of self-esteem intact, let's tack on breast cancer just so to make sure I CAN'T be vain...I don't know Tom...I keep asking myself if I have those potential traits in me...maybe, but I have to think that at this point I was pretty well clear of turning into a mean, blonde cheerleader type, wouldn't you think?
So what is it? I voiced to Cyndi the other day the quandry of what I was supposed to learn from this. She told me she didn't know but that others had learned a lot from me. Does it work that way? Or does there have to be something else I'm supposed to discover or be humbled of?
---------------------
There are two answers to the questions you pose, grasshopper.
The first answer is applicable to all:
You have these trials to draw closer to Christ. Pat as it may
seem, when you come to know Him as you will, He will melt
you into a supreme joy and peace beyond your ability to believe.
You will develop an attachment and faith that will guide your
life and He will be near, bearing your inner burdens for you.
These trials are designed to bring you (and others who learn from
you) to the above understanding. So simple an answer that it
is frustrating.
The second answer is:
Found on your own individual path/journey. It is understanding
your patriarchal blessing and comes in part through meditation and prayer.
Asking the right questions, posturing your position before Him in just
the right way. These answers will surely come, but are you willing to do
what it takes to find out? If so, you will know your individual worth and
realize who you are beyond beauty, eyes, breast, figure.
-----------------------
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
In a nutshell:
The doctor called me last night w/ the results of the biopsy. It showed that the area had DCIS, which is Ductal Carcinoma in Situ, or precancerous, non-invasive cells within the breast ducts. He also called it high grade. Combined with the other tumor, his answer is mastectomy. He said other surgeons might be more aggressive w/ the breast conservation approach, but his is more comfortable w/ the mastectomy approach.
I wonder how comfortable he would be with "lose all of your penis vs. lose part of your penis"??
I'm very VERY angry right now with both the surgeon and the oncologist for ignoring this area of microcalcifications until the end. I feel they should have been biopsied in the beginning, before a lumpectomy was offered. He told me he couldn't recall the "thought process" that lead to taking the approach that was taken. I think the "thought process" was lack of communication between doctors and not reading notes very well.
Had I not said "what about the calcification spots?" at my appointment w/ the surgeon at the conclusion of my chemotherapy, we would have merrily gone on our way with the lumpectomy. I DID repeatedly ask my oncologist about the calcifications and he kept saying it would be ok, that they would get it with lumpectomy, that I wouldn't lose my nipple area, that I could do a lumpectomy. I haven't decided whether to call him and yell at him or wait until next Friday when I have an appointment with him. Frankly, as much as I liked him, I'm thinking of changing oncologists as well.
I am going to get a second opinion. The surgeon gave me the name of another surgeon who he knows personally and says is more aggressive w/breast conservation. I also got the name of the surgeon a lady in my ward used who is a very big on breast conservation attempts. She had three masses, in the same general area, and he was still willing to do lumpectomy.
The surgeon's assistant is supposed to call me with names of some plastic surgeons I can consult with and see pictures of their work. Goodie. I plan to tell her to have the doctor go through is notes and find that "thought process", as he said he would have to do to remember what it was. I do think I finally made him understand last night how angry I was about spending 16 weeks thinking one thing, lumpectomy, when that was false hope, and that now I feel the same emotional upheaval I felt when I found out I HAD cancer, all over again.
So, I guess my next step is to retrieve all my films from North Scottsdale ( they insisted on keeping everything after the biopsy, which upset me), getting copies of all my radiology and pathology reports, and talking to other surgeons. I don't relish the idea, but my plan B is to insist on just the lumpectomy of the main tumor, and refuse anything to do with the DCIS, which would have been the actual course of action had I kept my mouth shut at my last appointment, and take my chances.
Here's a thought...if an area of DCIS is non-invasive, doesn't poking holes in it with a biopsy let it OUT of its duct?? I'm not happy. But at least angry keeps me from bawling.
Opinions welcome.
Ok, that was a BIG nutshell...
The doctor called me last night w/ the results of the biopsy. It showed that the area had DCIS, which is Ductal Carcinoma in Situ, or precancerous, non-invasive cells within the breast ducts. He also called it high grade. Combined with the other tumor, his answer is mastectomy. He said other surgeons might be more aggressive w/ the breast conservation approach, but his is more comfortable w/ the mastectomy approach.
I wonder how comfortable he would be with "lose all of your penis vs. lose part of your penis"??
I'm very VERY angry right now with both the surgeon and the oncologist for ignoring this area of microcalcifications until the end. I feel they should have been biopsied in the beginning, before a lumpectomy was offered. He told me he couldn't recall the "thought process" that lead to taking the approach that was taken. I think the "thought process" was lack of communication between doctors and not reading notes very well.
Had I not said "what about the calcification spots?" at my appointment w/ the surgeon at the conclusion of my chemotherapy, we would have merrily gone on our way with the lumpectomy. I DID repeatedly ask my oncologist about the calcifications and he kept saying it would be ok, that they would get it with lumpectomy, that I wouldn't lose my nipple area, that I could do a lumpectomy. I haven't decided whether to call him and yell at him or wait until next Friday when I have an appointment with him. Frankly, as much as I liked him, I'm thinking of changing oncologists as well.
I am going to get a second opinion. The surgeon gave me the name of another surgeon who he knows personally and says is more aggressive w/breast conservation. I also got the name of the surgeon a lady in my ward used who is a very big on breast conservation attempts. She had three masses, in the same general area, and he was still willing to do lumpectomy.
The surgeon's assistant is supposed to call me with names of some plastic surgeons I can consult with and see pictures of their work. Goodie. I plan to tell her to have the doctor go through is notes and find that "thought process", as he said he would have to do to remember what it was. I do think I finally made him understand last night how angry I was about spending 16 weeks thinking one thing, lumpectomy, when that was false hope, and that now I feel the same emotional upheaval I felt when I found out I HAD cancer, all over again.
So, I guess my next step is to retrieve all my films from North Scottsdale ( they insisted on keeping everything after the biopsy, which upset me), getting copies of all my radiology and pathology reports, and talking to other surgeons. I don't relish the idea, but my plan B is to insist on just the lumpectomy of the main tumor, and refuse anything to do with the DCIS, which would have been the actual course of action had I kept my mouth shut at my last appointment, and take my chances.
Here's a thought...if an area of DCIS is non-invasive, doesn't poking holes in it with a biopsy let it OUT of its duct?? I'm not happy. But at least angry keeps me from bawling.
Opinions welcome.
Ok, that was a BIG nutshell...
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
This weekend was awful. I was so upset after the doctor appointments, I cried and cried. I went to bed early Friday, about 6:00pm, got up Saturday and took a shower then cried and cried some more. I called Mom and said I'd go over, but then spent more time crying.
Finally I thought to take something, and after that kicked in I was able to stop crying. It had been like finding out about having cancer all over again, and it felt like the chemo had been 16 weeks of false hope. The tears are still just below the surface, but I've been able to get mad, and I seemed to find some clarity in the post crying, Zanax-induced calm.
I'm mad at both doctors for not paying enough attention to the films, and just going on what they could feel. I'm mad at both of them for not having enough communication between them (I don't feel this surgeon is fully on the "breast preservation" bandwagon). So I'm going to ask the radiologist at the imaging center on Friday to show me both sets of films again before the biopsy, so I can look for the things that I remember the first radiologist back in March pointing out to me. If there is cancer in any other spot, I'm not doing the surgery (mastectomy) without a second opinion. I am not happy w/ my surgeon right now.
If I hadn't said something about the other spots on the films, they would just done the lumpectomy (or as my friend DJ is now calling it, the limectomy, based on the size of what will have to be removed…haha) and not even thought about the other spot, which is still not the calcification spots I remember the radiologist in March showing me. So that's my plan. I'm sure I'll be more mad at them both after how painful this needle biopsy will be, which, by the way, they should have done months ago before starting chemo and before telling me they though they could do just a lumpectomy. Then depending on the outcome of the biopsy, I either yell at them both, or refuse surgery and get another opinion. Mad and stubborn works better for me than crying. I cried so much Friday night and Saturday that from the sniffling and such causing movement in my chest muscles I guess, my port tube was all swollen around and sore. It's ok now though. And that's another reason this surgeon is not getting any slack from me…I think this three-inch scar on my chest is about 6 inches toward the center of my chest farther than it needed to be…now it will show forever. Not a happy camper here.
Finally I thought to take something, and after that kicked in I was able to stop crying. It had been like finding out about having cancer all over again, and it felt like the chemo had been 16 weeks of false hope. The tears are still just below the surface, but I've been able to get mad, and I seemed to find some clarity in the post crying, Zanax-induced calm.
I'm mad at both doctors for not paying enough attention to the films, and just going on what they could feel. I'm mad at both of them for not having enough communication between them (I don't feel this surgeon is fully on the "breast preservation" bandwagon). So I'm going to ask the radiologist at the imaging center on Friday to show me both sets of films again before the biopsy, so I can look for the things that I remember the first radiologist back in March pointing out to me. If there is cancer in any other spot, I'm not doing the surgery (mastectomy) without a second opinion. I am not happy w/ my surgeon right now.
If I hadn't said something about the other spots on the films, they would just done the lumpectomy (or as my friend DJ is now calling it, the limectomy, based on the size of what will have to be removed…haha) and not even thought about the other spot, which is still not the calcification spots I remember the radiologist in March showing me. So that's my plan. I'm sure I'll be more mad at them both after how painful this needle biopsy will be, which, by the way, they should have done months ago before starting chemo and before telling me they though they could do just a lumpectomy. Then depending on the outcome of the biopsy, I either yell at them both, or refuse surgery and get another opinion. Mad and stubborn works better for me than crying. I cried so much Friday night and Saturday that from the sniffling and such causing movement in my chest muscles I guess, my port tube was all swollen around and sore. It's ok now though. And that's another reason this surgeon is not getting any slack from me…I think this three-inch scar on my chest is about 6 inches toward the center of my chest farther than it needed to be…now it will show forever. Not a happy camper here.
Friday, September 1, 2006
Dear All,
Well, taking my top off for two different attractive doctors today wasn't NEARLY as fun as it SHOULD have been.
The news started out good...the surgeon agreed that we had very good response in the mass, which he estimated by the films to be about 2cm. Based on that, a lumpectomy would be one incision and loss of tissue about the size of a lime. I can spare tissue the size a lime.
What about those other spots of calcification, says I? I've asked the oncologist about them all along, and I thought the surgeon was aware of them since they were on the original films and in the radiology report. They show in the most recent films, but that radiologist didn't mention them in his report, so the surgeon went back to his office to look at it and brought the film in to show me. So I'm irked that we didn't take this spot more seriously to begin with. He said we will have to biopsy it, needle biopsy, guided by ultrasound, at an imaging center. If it is just tissue, blah blah blah (didn't write down the words, so I have no idea what he said) then the lumpectomy will be a GO. If it is cancerous, precancerous, blah blah, or blah blah blah, (again, didn't write down the words so I have no idea), then they can't do a lumpectomy and it will have to be a mastectomy. I've been worried about this spot all along, and if we'd biopsied it earlier, I could have known. And I forgot to ask both of them a question I have been meaning to ask, about how long it is likely that a tumor my size had been growing before I found it, just for my curiosity. Just having the cancer affects you, even though you don't know it's there, right?
We didn't do another treatment of the Taxotere today. It would have been my 5th, and we were only going to do it so as not to lose any of the progress while waiting for my surgery date. We decided not to do it, since, depending on the biopsy results, it could be a moot point, and by not doing it, she can get me in for the biopsy right away and not have to wait a whole week after treatment. Also, surgery can be as soon as he can get me in after he gets the results, instead of waiting 4 wks after the treatment. So, at least I don't have to be sick next week and miss any work, other than for the biopsy appt.
My oncologist, bless his sweet heart, said he really had a good feeling in his heart that this is nothing, and that everything is going to go the way we wanted. I'm going to go with his feeling, and hope for the best. If it's lumpectomy, then I lose a lime-sized piece and nothing more. If it's mastectomy, then I get a boob job. I asked Marty to have a prayer with me before I left for the appts this morning. I know that it helped, even though I shed a lot of tears today (some on Dr.'s Regis-Philbin-style purple shirt w/ coordinating purple tie), I know I will be able to accept whatever the outcome is and move on. That's what it's all about, right? I'm glad I came back in to work to keep my mind off it and give my subconscious a chance to adjust while I keep the conscious busy with work. I am tired now though; emotion take a lot out of you, but Brad will be gone w/ his dad when I get home, so I can go straight to bed if I want.
So, pray for me that it's nothing, and that if it has to be something that I will accept it gracefully and with faith. Thank you all who keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I know it has helped me.
-------------------
Well, taking my top off for two different attractive doctors today wasn't NEARLY as fun as it SHOULD have been.
The news started out good...the surgeon agreed that we had very good response in the mass, which he estimated by the films to be about 2cm. Based on that, a lumpectomy would be one incision and loss of tissue about the size of a lime. I can spare tissue the size a lime.
What about those other spots of calcification, says I? I've asked the oncologist about them all along, and I thought the surgeon was aware of them since they were on the original films and in the radiology report. They show in the most recent films, but that radiologist didn't mention them in his report, so the surgeon went back to his office to look at it and brought the film in to show me. So I'm irked that we didn't take this spot more seriously to begin with. He said we will have to biopsy it, needle biopsy, guided by ultrasound, at an imaging center. If it is just tissue, blah blah blah (didn't write down the words, so I have no idea what he said) then the lumpectomy will be a GO. If it is cancerous, precancerous, blah blah, or blah blah blah, (again, didn't write down the words so I have no idea), then they can't do a lumpectomy and it will have to be a mastectomy. I've been worried about this spot all along, and if we'd biopsied it earlier, I could have known. And I forgot to ask both of them a question I have been meaning to ask, about how long it is likely that a tumor my size had been growing before I found it, just for my curiosity. Just having the cancer affects you, even though you don't know it's there, right?
We didn't do another treatment of the Taxotere today. It would have been my 5th, and we were only going to do it so as not to lose any of the progress while waiting for my surgery date. We decided not to do it, since, depending on the biopsy results, it could be a moot point, and by not doing it, she can get me in for the biopsy right away and not have to wait a whole week after treatment. Also, surgery can be as soon as he can get me in after he gets the results, instead of waiting 4 wks after the treatment. So, at least I don't have to be sick next week and miss any work, other than for the biopsy appt.
My oncologist, bless his sweet heart, said he really had a good feeling in his heart that this is nothing, and that everything is going to go the way we wanted. I'm going to go with his feeling, and hope for the best. If it's lumpectomy, then I lose a lime-sized piece and nothing more. If it's mastectomy, then I get a boob job. I asked Marty to have a prayer with me before I left for the appts this morning. I know that it helped, even though I shed a lot of tears today (some on Dr.'s Regis-Philbin-style purple shirt w/ coordinating purple tie), I know I will be able to accept whatever the outcome is and move on. That's what it's all about, right? I'm glad I came back in to work to keep my mind off it and give my subconscious a chance to adjust while I keep the conscious busy with work. I am tired now though; emotion take a lot out of you, but Brad will be gone w/ his dad when I get home, so I can go straight to bed if I want.
So, pray for me that it's nothing, and that if it has to be something that I will accept it gracefully and with faith. Thank you all who keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I know it has helped me.
-------------------
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Friday, August 25, 2006 - Replies
Hi,
I don't "know" much about the nipple thing but I watched the whole procedure on one of those medical shows I like. In talking to my friend at school she said that her surgeon was going to pucker some of her breast tissue into the shape of a nipple and then she would have it tatooed after it healed. By using the tissue in tact with nerves she is anticipating some sensation but not really counting on it being the same.
We are tied to our body parts as women. I remember when I was only 23 and had my hysterectomy...it isn't the same when part of you is taken away. I think that is part of the blessing of the resurrection...a perfect body given back to us and since Heavenly Father is a God of passions we will have a killer body and perfected passions to play with. At least that sounds really good to me.
While those stud muffins are "manipulating" your breast you just tell them how you like it and to move a little lower or to the right or what ever feels good. If they don't like it, tell them to "lump" it. :)
Seriously, I can't tell you how to feel about all of this because it is such a personal hurdle that only you can scale. But I can tell you to ask Heavenly Father the right questions. Don't ask the why me kind, ask the what am I to learn from this kind. He loves you more than anyone else and so He knows what is best and for some reason, He knows that you are strong enough to be tempered by this trial. When He tests with such huge things it is because either you need to show others how to handle the situation with style and grace and integrity and not run from the Lord. Or it is because you are progressing so well He needs to refine you a bit. Not preaching just giving you the thoughts of comfort that have helped me weather storms in my life. But without a doubt I know that you must never loose your integrity, your testimony, and your trust of the Lord in any trial He might place in your path. He is your Heavenly Father and He loved you first and perfectly.
Let me know what happens Friday and if they did a good job of "feeling you up." If they don't, I could write them a scathingly nasty note and have them do it again. :)
I love you, sweety,
Aunt B.
==================
I know whatever happens, I'll be upset but then I'll handle it. I've never had the luxury in life of falling apart. When Mom was going through her cancer I thought, I have to be the one NOT to have cancer because I could NOT do this...but I am, and I'm ok. That reconstruction doesn't sound so great, but better than nothing if faced w/ it. Did your friend at school lose both breasts or one?
Gaile suggested to me that not only are we given trials to learn from, but that we had a hand in choosing them. That seemed to ring true to me, made life seem less imposed, made me feel like maybe I knew what I was doing when I jumped into this life. I shared the idea w/ my R.S. last month on Fast Sunday, and a sister I don't even know came up to me afterward in tears and said that the things I shared were an answer to prayer.
My sweet doctor; about every-other time he gives both "the girls" a good once-over. It makes me feel watched over. Chemo pretty much kills the ol' sex drive, so there's not much of that kind of excitement involved. Not that it's UNpleasant at all... :) I secretly think that he secretly enjoys it too. That's my fantasy and I'm stickin' to it.
I can't imagine how traumatic it must have been to have a hysterectomy at 23. I have been determined to hold onto my reproductive parts past when I need them. I guess everyone is different though; Kendra didn't mourn the loss of her uterus at all, and both she and Karri would not bat an eye at losing both breasts.
I was fretting about it all in bed last night (maybe that's why I ended up sleeping so poorly) and shed a few tears, but today, I feel a lot better. More accepting of whatever comes. I had planned to come to work for a couple of hours on Friday before my appts, but slow as we are, and considering that I probably won't make it back in after everything if we do a chemo treatment, I may just take the morning too.
Love you! Thanks for being my Aunt!
==========================
Hey Bon,
My friend Tom offered me one of his nipples, as he "is not currently using it". That made me laugh. Then the thought of one nipple that nursed a baby for 11 months and one useless little man-nipple made me laugh even more.
So what do you know about it?
When I brought it up to the oncologist a while back, asking him if he thought I'd have to lose the nipple, I burst into tears. I don't think everyone else understands my attachment. Reconstruction wouldn't fix the loss of sensation, of center of being. Even thought I'm "not currently using them" (haha), I may want to in the future some time, and they are an important link in the arousal process for me, critical in fact. 'Nuff said about that. :) I'm not sure how to explain the "center" thing. Is it one of those Chinese points of energy or something? I know there are worse things that could happen, but if this does, I know it will be very hard for me. The oncologist seemed to think it wouldn't be necessary, but seems to me it would depend on how close to that area the calcification is, although he really wasn't too specific about the removal of the calcification. Friday is the big day when the surgeon gets all the questions I've been pestering the oncologist with and crying over. He has my films too. I didn't look at the new ones, I took them to the oncologist to see, and then dropped them at the surgeon's office, so I'll have to have him show me.
Plus now I'm wondering if insurance companies cover reconstruction after a lumpectomy, or just after a mastectomy, and when does a lumpectomy become a partial mastectomy? More questions for the surgeon.
I haven't had a period since I started chemo, but the hormonal cycle still seems to be in play, making me pre-menstrual right now, and with that and everything coming up, anticipating Friday's appointments, I'm feeling rather depressed. I guess I can look forward to several attractive men touching my breasts on Friday...haha. I feel like I should have as many people as possible in on the exams, or be showing them around or something while they're both still in tact. Both doctors are very kind and compassionate. I feel very lucky. And hey, young and attractive beats old and stodgy when they're feeling my boobs, right?
I'd better pretend to have work to do. We are so slow right now, being tied to the real estate market as we are.
Thanks for remembering me in the temple and your prayers. I need it.
===================
Hello my sweet niece,
I guess that is good news and bad news all in the same sweep. My friend and I were just talking yesterday about her nipple reconstructive surgery. We were into hot and heavy when another teacher walked in and was stunned to hear us talking about nipples. Well, you know me, nothing is off limits. I've seen it done on TV and so she was asking and then telling me what she had been told. She is wearing her own hair this year and looks darling with her spiky little cut.
I hold you in my prayers as well as your doctors. I've taken to putting your name in the temple as: Shelliann Gibbons et al. I'm hoping the Lord reads that as your doctors, family, and friends.
I love you, pretty girl. Stay optomistic.
Aunt Bonnie
I don't "know" much about the nipple thing but I watched the whole procedure on one of those medical shows I like. In talking to my friend at school she said that her surgeon was going to pucker some of her breast tissue into the shape of a nipple and then she would have it tatooed after it healed. By using the tissue in tact with nerves she is anticipating some sensation but not really counting on it being the same.
We are tied to our body parts as women. I remember when I was only 23 and had my hysterectomy...it isn't the same when part of you is taken away. I think that is part of the blessing of the resurrection...a perfect body given back to us and since Heavenly Father is a God of passions we will have a killer body and perfected passions to play with. At least that sounds really good to me.
While those stud muffins are "manipulating" your breast you just tell them how you like it and to move a little lower or to the right or what ever feels good. If they don't like it, tell them to "lump" it. :)
Seriously, I can't tell you how to feel about all of this because it is such a personal hurdle that only you can scale. But I can tell you to ask Heavenly Father the right questions. Don't ask the why me kind, ask the what am I to learn from this kind. He loves you more than anyone else and so He knows what is best and for some reason, He knows that you are strong enough to be tempered by this trial. When He tests with such huge things it is because either you need to show others how to handle the situation with style and grace and integrity and not run from the Lord. Or it is because you are progressing so well He needs to refine you a bit. Not preaching just giving you the thoughts of comfort that have helped me weather storms in my life. But without a doubt I know that you must never loose your integrity, your testimony, and your trust of the Lord in any trial He might place in your path. He is your Heavenly Father and He loved you first and perfectly.
Let me know what happens Friday and if they did a good job of "feeling you up." If they don't, I could write them a scathingly nasty note and have them do it again. :)
I love you, sweety,
Aunt B.
==================
I know whatever happens, I'll be upset but then I'll handle it. I've never had the luxury in life of falling apart. When Mom was going through her cancer I thought, I have to be the one NOT to have cancer because I could NOT do this...but I am, and I'm ok. That reconstruction doesn't sound so great, but better than nothing if faced w/ it. Did your friend at school lose both breasts or one?
Gaile suggested to me that not only are we given trials to learn from, but that we had a hand in choosing them. That seemed to ring true to me, made life seem less imposed, made me feel like maybe I knew what I was doing when I jumped into this life. I shared the idea w/ my R.S. last month on Fast Sunday, and a sister I don't even know came up to me afterward in tears and said that the things I shared were an answer to prayer.
My sweet doctor; about every-other time he gives both "the girls" a good once-over. It makes me feel watched over. Chemo pretty much kills the ol' sex drive, so there's not much of that kind of excitement involved. Not that it's UNpleasant at all... :) I secretly think that he secretly enjoys it too. That's my fantasy and I'm stickin' to it.
I can't imagine how traumatic it must have been to have a hysterectomy at 23. I have been determined to hold onto my reproductive parts past when I need them. I guess everyone is different though; Kendra didn't mourn the loss of her uterus at all, and both she and Karri would not bat an eye at losing both breasts.
I was fretting about it all in bed last night (maybe that's why I ended up sleeping so poorly) and shed a few tears, but today, I feel a lot better. More accepting of whatever comes. I had planned to come to work for a couple of hours on Friday before my appts, but slow as we are, and considering that I probably won't make it back in after everything if we do a chemo treatment, I may just take the morning too.
Love you! Thanks for being my Aunt!
==========================
Hey Bon,
My friend Tom offered me one of his nipples, as he "is not currently using it". That made me laugh. Then the thought of one nipple that nursed a baby for 11 months and one useless little man-nipple made me laugh even more.
So what do you know about it?
When I brought it up to the oncologist a while back, asking him if he thought I'd have to lose the nipple, I burst into tears. I don't think everyone else understands my attachment. Reconstruction wouldn't fix the loss of sensation, of center of being. Even thought I'm "not currently using them" (haha), I may want to in the future some time, and they are an important link in the arousal process for me, critical in fact. 'Nuff said about that. :) I'm not sure how to explain the "center" thing. Is it one of those Chinese points of energy or something? I know there are worse things that could happen, but if this does, I know it will be very hard for me. The oncologist seemed to think it wouldn't be necessary, but seems to me it would depend on how close to that area the calcification is, although he really wasn't too specific about the removal of the calcification. Friday is the big day when the surgeon gets all the questions I've been pestering the oncologist with and crying over. He has my films too. I didn't look at the new ones, I took them to the oncologist to see, and then dropped them at the surgeon's office, so I'll have to have him show me.
Plus now I'm wondering if insurance companies cover reconstruction after a lumpectomy, or just after a mastectomy, and when does a lumpectomy become a partial mastectomy? More questions for the surgeon.
I haven't had a period since I started chemo, but the hormonal cycle still seems to be in play, making me pre-menstrual right now, and with that and everything coming up, anticipating Friday's appointments, I'm feeling rather depressed. I guess I can look forward to several attractive men touching my breasts on Friday...haha. I feel like I should have as many people as possible in on the exams, or be showing them around or something while they're both still in tact. Both doctors are very kind and compassionate. I feel very lucky. And hey, young and attractive beats old and stodgy when they're feeling my boobs, right?
I'd better pretend to have work to do. We are so slow right now, being tied to the real estate market as we are.
Thanks for remembering me in the temple and your prayers. I need it.
===================
Hello my sweet niece,
I guess that is good news and bad news all in the same sweep. My friend and I were just talking yesterday about her nipple reconstructive surgery. We were into hot and heavy when another teacher walked in and was stunned to hear us talking about nipples. Well, you know me, nothing is off limits. I've seen it done on TV and so she was asking and then telling me what she had been told. She is wearing her own hair this year and looks darling with her spiky little cut.
I hold you in my prayers as well as your doctors. I've taken to putting your name in the temple as: Shelliann Gibbons et al. I'm hoping the Lord reads that as your doctors, family, and friends.
I love you, pretty girl. Stay optomistic.
Aunt Bonnie
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