I've been a little lax in sending out my updates...mostly because I'm tired and cranky and sick of the whole thing. It's gotten more difficult to keep up the "positive attitude" front.
Doctor (oncologist), bless his sweet adorable heart, thinks I can be all done with it all before Thanksgiving. That would certainly be reason to be thankful. When I saw him last friday, I was very stressed; coming to the end of one phase forces me to consider the ramifications of the next phase. He let me cry on his shoulder for a bit, and then when he finally made me smile he said, "there's the Shelliann I know...". Are oncologists extra nice? Not many doctors are as kind, warm and compassionate as this man.
I had another mammogram and ultrasound done last week. The radiologist, the oncologist and the surgeon all said there was definite change / shrinkage. The surgeon's office said there was a reduction in the number of calcification spots. The oncologist seemed to think all would be fine for the planned lumpectomy. The surgeon's nurse was more vague. I'm very concerned about how much breast I will lose and how much external accessory, if any, i.e. the nippular area, I will lose. I guess that is my biggest fear. I know in the grand scheme of surviving cancer, it's a small price to pay, but it's not one that I want to pay, and I do have reasons, besides vanity. The oncologist didn't think I would have to lose the nipple, but those calcification spots are what concern me. He said they are part of the tumor, yet they are farther forward that the main mass that we have been monitoring.
I don't have too long to fret and wonder; I have an appt w/ the surgeon on September 1st. I will know for sure after I see him. I go from him to an appt w/ the oncologist, and depending on what the surgeon says I guess, we may do another treatment of Taxotere that day, to preserve what shrinkage we have achieved, since surgery will likely be another 2-3 wks after that. If the surgeon says I have to lose a lot, or have to lose the nipple area, then screw the Taxotere, cuz I'm sick of being sick. And there will be a lot of tears that day.
Enough contemplation of THAT before I make myself cry!! Just keep telling myself, I'll probably get Demerol in the hospital...If it have a lot to adjust to after surgery, maybe a few days on a controlled substance will give my sub-concious time to adjust while I float in the black, dreamless vacation of sleep that is Demerol....shhhh, don't tell the doctors I like it that much or they probably won't give it to me! And actually, being laid up on disability sounds like a good break from my stressful boss right now too!
So much to look forward to! haha. Love you all, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. OH, I almost forgot, when we switched drugs, my hair started coming back. Unfortunately so did the facial hair, and I am quite fuzzy. But my hair on my head is about 1/2 inch long I'd say, for the most part, started as pale white and soft, but it's starting to come in dark as well. The lady at the health food store recommended rinsing w/ a tea made of stinging nettle. Supposed to help w/ the growth and help it not come in gray. She said someone there at their store has used it, so that's what I am doing. Also a supplement containing horsetail (the herb, not the animal's appendage). In a few weeks, I'm thinking it might be in enough to go w/ out the wig, which is hotter now that the hair is coming in.
I'll let you all know when the surgery is scheduled. Love you!
=================
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Friday, August 11, 2006 - Replies
Dear Shelli,
I'm so glad that you are nearing the end of the ordeal. I hope the surgery is soon. Often thinking about something is worse than actually doing it. It sounds like you have coped better than most. You have been amazing. It is depressing to be so weak for so long. I think you should have been a writer. Your letters are so clever. I am amazed at your ability to express yourself so well. Hang in there, You are in our prayers.
I love you. Gaile
====================
Dear Gaile,
It was good to have an email from you when I got here today! Thanks!
I have been sick all last week and all weekend...chemo and the neulasta shot, the stress of the flooring thing triggered the fibromyalgia aching stuff, then I caught a cold from someone here at work. So I went to my regular doctor this morning, sinusitis he said, and I got something for my eyelids too, which have been just making me crazy...he said I have an infection there too. So I'm on antibiotics and he gave me a cortisone shot, and got drops and cream for my eyes. GEEZ...almost $100 later between copay, prescriptions and OTC Musinex...ouch. But I couldn't risk delaying chemo for being sick.
I've always fancied writing to be one of my strongest suits. Thank you for the compliment. I've been trying and trying to convince Brad how important it is to be able to express yourself clearly in writing; it's hard for him (actually I think the hard part for him is getting it from his head to his fingers and out the end of the pencil...he has the vocabulary and thoughts to be a good writer). Of all the things I learned in high school and college, writing has served me the best in life.
I'm so glad that you are nearing the end of the ordeal. I hope the surgery is soon. Often thinking about something is worse than actually doing it. It sounds like you have coped better than most. You have been amazing. It is depressing to be so weak for so long. I think you should have been a writer. Your letters are so clever. I am amazed at your ability to express yourself so well. Hang in there, You are in our prayers.
I love you. Gaile
====================
Dear Gaile,
It was good to have an email from you when I got here today! Thanks!
I have been sick all last week and all weekend...chemo and the neulasta shot, the stress of the flooring thing triggered the fibromyalgia aching stuff, then I caught a cold from someone here at work. So I went to my regular doctor this morning, sinusitis he said, and I got something for my eyelids too, which have been just making me crazy...he said I have an infection there too. So I'm on antibiotics and he gave me a cortisone shot, and got drops and cream for my eyes. GEEZ...almost $100 later between copay, prescriptions and OTC Musinex...ouch. But I couldn't risk delaying chemo for being sick.
I've always fancied writing to be one of my strongest suits. Thank you for the compliment. I've been trying and trying to convince Brad how important it is to be able to express yourself clearly in writing; it's hard for him (actually I think the hard part for him is getting it from his head to his fingers and out the end of the pencil...he has the vocabulary and thoughts to be a good writer). Of all the things I learned in high school and college, writing has served me the best in life.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Well, we're nearing the light at the end of the tunnel…unfortunately it's followed by another tunnel, but hey, I'm making progress.
August 18th is scheduled to be my last chemo treatment. 4 days after my 42nd birthday. The new chemo drug, Taxotere, has had far better results than did the Adriamyacin and Cytoxin. (Doesn't that just SCREAM poison? CyTOXIN…) I am scheduled to see the surgeon on September 1st, and his nurse told me that he usually schedules surgery 2-3 weeks after the appt. I'm a little concerned with the extended amount of time between the surgery and the last treatment. I will discuss it with Dr. (oncologist) on the 18th. As he explained to me before, about two weeks or so after a treatment, the tumor goes back into the growth cycle, slowly, but if I wait a month after the last treatment until surgery, seems to me that some of the shrinkage from that treatment will be negated. I'd rather do another treatment and keep that sucker down! We'll see what the good doctor has to say about it.
It has taken me longer this time it seems to bounce back after the treatment. I was home sick Monday and Tuesday, but here it is Friday and I still feel pretty crappy. Achy, flu-ey, tired…and I haven't been sleeping well. Last night it took Hydrocodone, Benadryl AND Zanax to get me through the night. (not all at once…calm down…) Part of it is the stress of this whole tile installation ordeal (long story) and the stress and upset is making me sick; the ol' fibromyalgia thing, and keeping me from getting over the treatment I think. I'm starting to feel a little better now, approaching the noon hour, than I did even this morning. That's a good thing, since Brad needs to go school shopping Saturday.
Nothing else new for me. Other than my every-other-week appts w/ Dr. So-CUTE, my life is incredibly boring. Unless you find stress exciting, in which case, have I got a flooring company for you!
Thanks for all your love and prayers,
Love you all,
-
August 18th is scheduled to be my last chemo treatment. 4 days after my 42nd birthday. The new chemo drug, Taxotere, has had far better results than did the Adriamyacin and Cytoxin. (Doesn't that just SCREAM poison? CyTOXIN…) I am scheduled to see the surgeon on September 1st, and his nurse told me that he usually schedules surgery 2-3 weeks after the appt. I'm a little concerned with the extended amount of time between the surgery and the last treatment. I will discuss it with Dr. (oncologist) on the 18th. As he explained to me before, about two weeks or so after a treatment, the tumor goes back into the growth cycle, slowly, but if I wait a month after the last treatment until surgery, seems to me that some of the shrinkage from that treatment will be negated. I'd rather do another treatment and keep that sucker down! We'll see what the good doctor has to say about it.
It has taken me longer this time it seems to bounce back after the treatment. I was home sick Monday and Tuesday, but here it is Friday and I still feel pretty crappy. Achy, flu-ey, tired…and I haven't been sleeping well. Last night it took Hydrocodone, Benadryl AND Zanax to get me through the night. (not all at once…calm down…) Part of it is the stress of this whole tile installation ordeal (long story) and the stress and upset is making me sick; the ol' fibromyalgia thing, and keeping me from getting over the treatment I think. I'm starting to feel a little better now, approaching the noon hour, than I did even this morning. That's a good thing, since Brad needs to go school shopping Saturday.
Nothing else new for me. Other than my every-other-week appts w/ Dr. So-CUTE, my life is incredibly boring. Unless you find stress exciting, in which case, have I got a flooring company for you!
Thanks for all your love and prayers,
Love you all,
-
Monday, July 31, 2006
From my cousin Anita, the oncology nurse:
I was wondering how your treatments are going?
Hope all is going well!!
Love Ya, Anita
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hi Anita!
Going pretty well. I did my second treatment of Taxotere aweek ago, and after just the first treatment the doctor found there was considerable change in the mass. That's good news...the A/C didn't do much of anything the whole time, and the Taxotere has done more in just the two I've done. I have my 3rd this Friday. The Taxotere is easier to tolerate than the A/C, though I am pretty tired and I get achy some (still taking the Neulasta too), but not the entire two weeks, just for a few days, after the Decadron wears off. The nurse suggested Glutamine powder, 10 grams, three times a day, for five days starting 24 hrs after treatment. I wasn't able to get it ALL down because it really doesn't dissolve very well so it's gritty. Yuck. But it did seem to help a bit w/ the aching and with my stomach/bowels. I'll try again after this next treatment. My spirits are up more again, my bad days were really only Monday-Wednesday following the treatment, and that was mostly exhaustion this time. Thanks for checking on me! I appreciate it. Thank you for your insight with this.
I was wondering how your treatments are going?
Hope all is going well!!
Love Ya, Anita
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hi Anita!
Going pretty well. I did my second treatment of Taxotere aweek ago, and after just the first treatment the doctor found there was considerable change in the mass. That's good news...the A/C didn't do much of anything the whole time, and the Taxotere has done more in just the two I've done. I have my 3rd this Friday. The Taxotere is easier to tolerate than the A/C, though I am pretty tired and I get achy some (still taking the Neulasta too), but not the entire two weeks, just for a few days, after the Decadron wears off. The nurse suggested Glutamine powder, 10 grams, three times a day, for five days starting 24 hrs after treatment. I wasn't able to get it ALL down because it really doesn't dissolve very well so it's gritty. Yuck. But it did seem to help a bit w/ the aching and with my stomach/bowels. I'll try again after this next treatment. My spirits are up more again, my bad days were really only Monday-Wednesday following the treatment, and that was mostly exhaustion this time. Thanks for checking on me! I appreciate it. Thank you for your insight with this.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
A friend in my company said to me in an email today, "It sucks to have to feel like super crap to get healthy again." So, if someone could design me a nice S.C. logo, that will be my new super-hero alter-ego...SuperCrap. I have definitely had a couple days this week where that applies. Thank goodness for Vicodin.
The new treatment, Taxotere, makes me feel more fatigued, and over-all achy, like the flu, on top of the bone achiness from the Neulasta shot. I still can't eat anything but rice, potatoes and plain bread, oh and grits - that was a treat - or else everything turns to hot acid-covered shards of glass before exiting my body. At least that's what it feels like. Today I feel better than I have since the treatment Friday. Maybe the worse is over until the next one.
Attached are pics of the new rug. I couldn't take it any longer, and saw some women at chemo last week with very nice wigs, so I decided to go for it. I'm glad I did; wish I'd done it sooner. I feel so much better about how I look, feel more normal again.
I missed church a week ago Sunday; I guess I needed the rest because I kept falling asleep. Then I found out later that all the women had worn hats that week in support of me!! Some of them did it again this week, and I was wearing the new hair instead of a hat, but it was so sweet of them! And my home teacher's wife donated about 12'' of hair to Locks of Love this past weekend, in honor of me she said.
That's about all the news that's new for now. I'll pester the doctor again about details when I see him. He does want me to do radiation, and his reasoning was pretty good, and said that when he sends me to the radiologist he can explain it even better. He had a cute analogy about ants in the kitchen and spraying all around after they are gone...something like that. My new "worry" is how the surgeon will know what is where, and what about the little spots that were on my mamogram...Dr. said they don't always do new scans, but that seems silly to me. He thinks that some of the mass that seems to be changing from week to week, bigger, smaller, different, may be some fibroid tissue as well. WELL how will the surgeon know??? Last time I took a list. He is good about explaining things to me and SO DARN CUTE! At least there's that...haha.
Love you all,
The new treatment, Taxotere, makes me feel more fatigued, and over-all achy, like the flu, on top of the bone achiness from the Neulasta shot. I still can't eat anything but rice, potatoes and plain bread, oh and grits - that was a treat - or else everything turns to hot acid-covered shards of glass before exiting my body. At least that's what it feels like. Today I feel better than I have since the treatment Friday. Maybe the worse is over until the next one.
Attached are pics of the new rug. I couldn't take it any longer, and saw some women at chemo last week with very nice wigs, so I decided to go for it. I'm glad I did; wish I'd done it sooner. I feel so much better about how I look, feel more normal again.
I missed church a week ago Sunday; I guess I needed the rest because I kept falling asleep. Then I found out later that all the women had worn hats that week in support of me!! Some of them did it again this week, and I was wearing the new hair instead of a hat, but it was so sweet of them! And my home teacher's wife donated about 12'' of hair to Locks of Love this past weekend, in honor of me she said.
That's about all the news that's new for now. I'll pester the doctor again about details when I see him. He does want me to do radiation, and his reasoning was pretty good, and said that when he sends me to the radiologist he can explain it even better. He had a cute analogy about ants in the kitchen and spraying all around after they are gone...something like that. My new "worry" is how the surgeon will know what is where, and what about the little spots that were on my mamogram...Dr. said they don't always do new scans, but that seems silly to me. He thinks that some of the mass that seems to be changing from week to week, bigger, smaller, different, may be some fibroid tissue as well. WELL how will the surgeon know??? Last time I took a list. He is good about explaining things to me and SO DARN CUTE! At least there's that...haha.
Love you all,
Thursday, July 6, 2006
I'm so tired of hats and such. I'm ready to have hair again, but I guess I'm just going to have to wait on that. My eyes water a lot and my make-up rubs off. And if I wear eye shadow or mascara, I get swollen eye lids, like sties (sp). Ugh. The no hair thing and the hat thing would be tons better if I could wear make-up!!!
Treatment tomorrow, starting the Taxotere. Nurse says mostly people just report more fatigue. The drug that goes with it, Decadron, they say can make you feel wired, but I took it 3 hrs ago and don't really feel "wired". Was hoping for "so hyper that I go home and organize for 3 hrs".
Brad has been at his dad's since last Tuesday and I'm getting a little lonely. He decided to stay until Sunday evening. Funny how they drive you nuts when they're home, but how much you miss them when they aren't around.
=============
Hi Anita,
I wanted to get your input on some things. I have to do another course of chemo, and the doctor is putting me on Taxotere, w/ Decadron. The reading I've done makes them both sound dreadful. I get the feeling I should anticipate being a lot sicker than I have been w/ the A/C. Decadron sounds pretty bad itself, so Taxotere must be pretty bad to warrant it!
I wanted to get your take on Taxotere and Decadron. Do you see patients being sicker on this? Am I crazy to try to work through this? The nurses keep asking if I need to go on disability, but I don't know. I'm fine (fine enough to work) one week and sick the next.
----------
(from Anita)
In my experience the Taxotere is much easier to tolerate than theAdriamycin and Cytoxan. The side effects I see are mainly lowering blood counts and fatigue. Some patients may have some muscle aching a few days after the treatment but it only lasts a few days. Most people tolerate this chemo without nausea. The most important thing is to drink plenty of fluids. The decadron is only to help prevent swelling and seems to be tolerated pretty well. The main side effects I see with it are increased appetite and nervousness. Just plan your housework so you can get it all done after the decadron. Most of the patients feel this chemo is much easier to tolerate. You should be able to work if that is what you want to do.
Love You, Anita
Treatment tomorrow, starting the Taxotere. Nurse says mostly people just report more fatigue. The drug that goes with it, Decadron, they say can make you feel wired, but I took it 3 hrs ago and don't really feel "wired". Was hoping for "so hyper that I go home and organize for 3 hrs".
Brad has been at his dad's since last Tuesday and I'm getting a little lonely. He decided to stay until Sunday evening. Funny how they drive you nuts when they're home, but how much you miss them when they aren't around.
=============
Hi Anita,
I wanted to get your input on some things. I have to do another course of chemo, and the doctor is putting me on Taxotere, w/ Decadron. The reading I've done makes them both sound dreadful. I get the feeling I should anticipate being a lot sicker than I have been w/ the A/C. Decadron sounds pretty bad itself, so Taxotere must be pretty bad to warrant it!
I wanted to get your take on Taxotere and Decadron. Do you see patients being sicker on this? Am I crazy to try to work through this? The nurses keep asking if I need to go on disability, but I don't know. I'm fine (fine enough to work) one week and sick the next.
----------
(from Anita)
In my experience the Taxotere is much easier to tolerate than theAdriamycin and Cytoxan. The side effects I see are mainly lowering blood counts and fatigue. Some patients may have some muscle aching a few days after the treatment but it only lasts a few days. Most people tolerate this chemo without nausea. The most important thing is to drink plenty of fluids. The decadron is only to help prevent swelling and seems to be tolerated pretty well. The main side effects I see with it are increased appetite and nervousness. Just plan your housework so you can get it all done after the decadron. Most of the patients feel this chemo is much easier to tolerate. You should be able to work if that is what you want to do.
Love You, Anita
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
I'm feeling better today than I anticipated. So far I hadn't made it to work the day after a shot, but, I made it today. Late, but I made it.
The difference between Mom's and mine is that I want to keep my breast, and also that hers was the fast growing type, whereas mine is slow. The chemo first is to shrink it as much as possible, to lose as little breast as possible in the surgery. I think Mom's was at a critical phase and she didn't have the luxury of time. Apparently, chemo first isn't all that common.
I love my doctor. He's young and brilliant and not afraid to step outside tradition. I was going to write more, but I'm too tired to think now. I have pondered recently the trials over the course of my life...I look at it as having two choices; ask why me, and wonder how I am so deserving of bad things, or to acknowledge that I must have know what I was signing up for when I "shouted for joy" at the opportunity to come to earth. It hasn't been smooth, and I have not been a consistant performer, but I have to trust in my pre-mortal self who knew what she was getting into, and knew that it was necessary. I don't fully understand why it is necessary, and why some people find it in themselves to be thankful for trials, but I'm trying.
The hotter the fire, the finer the steel, eh?
I figure I can't possibly be finished w/ trials at the mere age of 41...so it's a given I'll survive this one!
Love you!
====================
Thursday, June 29, 2006
I'm feeling discouraged again, because the mass seems to change all thetime. It can't just be my imagination. I feel like nothing is workingand this cancer is growing in my body. I stayed home yesterday, achy allover, temp slightly elevated, but not much (although I rarely havefever, so 1/2 a degree is something for me), everything I eat gives mediahrea. And I have a bleeding hemorroid. So the whole eating,digesting, eliminating process is exhausting. Today I ate yogurt and abanana, and I'm feeling like it is soon for the komode. I criedyesterday at home, feeling so overwhelmed w/ being sick and not seeingthe progress I want to see.
==============
The difference between Mom's and mine is that I want to keep my breast, and also that hers was the fast growing type, whereas mine is slow. The chemo first is to shrink it as much as possible, to lose as little breast as possible in the surgery. I think Mom's was at a critical phase and she didn't have the luxury of time. Apparently, chemo first isn't all that common.
I love my doctor. He's young and brilliant and not afraid to step outside tradition. I was going to write more, but I'm too tired to think now. I have pondered recently the trials over the course of my life...I look at it as having two choices; ask why me, and wonder how I am so deserving of bad things, or to acknowledge that I must have know what I was signing up for when I "shouted for joy" at the opportunity to come to earth. It hasn't been smooth, and I have not been a consistant performer, but I have to trust in my pre-mortal self who knew what she was getting into, and knew that it was necessary. I don't fully understand why it is necessary, and why some people find it in themselves to be thankful for trials, but I'm trying.
The hotter the fire, the finer the steel, eh?
I figure I can't possibly be finished w/ trials at the mere age of 41...so it's a given I'll survive this one!
Love you!
====================
Thursday, June 29, 2006
I'm feeling discouraged again, because the mass seems to change all thetime. It can't just be my imagination. I feel like nothing is workingand this cancer is growing in my body. I stayed home yesterday, achy allover, temp slightly elevated, but not much (although I rarely havefever, so 1/2 a degree is something for me), everything I eat gives mediahrea. And I have a bleeding hemorroid. So the whole eating,digesting, eliminating process is exhausting. Today I ate yogurt and abanana, and I'm feeling like it is soon for the komode. I criedyesterday at home, feeling so overwhelmed w/ being sick and not seeingthe progress I want to see.
==============
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