Friday, September 15, 2006 Conversation with a (Male) Friend

I'm not doing so well this morning. I can't do this cancer thing anymore. I can't lose a breast. I can't wake up from surgery to half a flat chest.

Why did I chose this? What did I think I needed to learn? Would I have been such an insufferable monster that I needed so many things to humble me in life? Was my childhood and crushed self-esteem not enough? I've already lost an eye, do I now need to lose a breast also? What's next?

I am overwhelmed today.

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Am I vain? Like conceited and vain??

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From T.:

No; mortal, but not obsessed with vanity. I don’t think conceit has
anything to do with this, as vanity seems to rule in this arena.

I would be upset to lose a tooth, not much less a chest fruit. With
everything else going on, don’t wonder about your vanity. It is okay…
your body is the inner most circle in which yourself dwells…..you
want to protect it and have it be intact as much as possible.

I actually felt a little weird when I had my hip surgery. I lost a significant
amount of my leg bone and the entire hip socket. I chose my surgeon
because he was renowned for a relatively small incision.

I thought I had that squared away with him, small incision. Then I
woke up from surgery and found the he had literally cut my left
buttock in half, literally! The incision ran from the buttock all the
way down my leg half way to my knee. This surgery doesn’t normally
require that the buttock is cut. The left side deflated and
I was horribly lopsided, it was noticeable with clothes on to others,
and btw, know ahead of time, it wasn’t just me looking in the mirror and thinking
it looked bad, it was bad. I found it interesting how I dealt with. It wasn’t
a breast, but, it was kind of a semi-private part and was forever changed.

It just made me feel vulnerable and human. As time has gone by, I have
built up the muscle, but, it will never be the same. I don’t change in the
dressing room anymore. I am angry still to a lesser degree with the dr.

I know breast trumps butt, but…just empathizing where I can to a small
degree..

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the question went back to the morning's first email...why did I need, in this life, to lose an eye, to have breast cancer and lose my eye-lashes, my hair and possibly a breast...without those losses, was I posed to be horribly vain and superficial? Or is there something else here that I am supposed to figure out?

I appreciate your empathy. You probably understand better than anyone other than someone who has also lost a breast, who was very attached to them at least. My mother didn't really bat an eye. Neither of my sisters think they would shed a tear if called upon to do so. I just don't think I can do it.

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From T.:

Circumstances imposed upon us are all okay with us before we come here apparently.
Destructive consequences we impose upon ourselves probably are not, but, in the
blink of an eye, life will be done for all of us. Someone who lived at the time of Abraham
had feelings, intents and desires. They suffered loss with no possibility of recovery,
no cosmetic remedy. And yet, whatever they suffered, whatever fallout resulted, ended
more than 5000 years ago. They have been whole for over 5000 years at least in the
spirit world, if not already resurrected. The years spent in broken mortality have
been trumped and made up 5000 times over.

Probably the better question to ask is not why me now, but, what in tarnation
was I thinking before I came to earth 39 years ago?

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well, yeah, that's basically what my question is...what was I thinking? Why did I sign up for this, what purpose did I have in my non-mortal, never felt pain mind, to put my name down for all this...why did I say, please Lord, let me be fat, lose an eye and a breast, oh yeah, and an abusive childhood would be just the ticket to start it all off with...

But bitter undertones aside...seriously...why did I choose this? I have a FAR easier time saying, why did I choose this, and looking for answers, than saying, why did God do this to me, and looking for answers. What did I want me to learn? I have to figure it out. Staving off vanity would be an answer that fit all categories...hmmm...if I make it through childhood and the loss of my eye alive, let's add on a weight problem, then if I emerge into adulthood with any shred of self-esteem intact, let's tack on breast cancer just so to make sure I CAN'T be vain...I don't know Tom...I keep asking myself if I have those potential traits in me...maybe, but I have to think that at this point I was pretty well clear of turning into a mean, blonde cheerleader type, wouldn't you think?

So what is it? I voiced to Cyndi the other day the quandry of what I was supposed to learn from this. She told me she didn't know but that others had learned a lot from me. Does it work that way? Or does there have to be something else I'm supposed to discover or be humbled of?

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There are two answers to the questions you pose, grasshopper.

The first answer is applicable to all:

You have these trials to draw closer to Christ. Pat as it may
seem, when you come to know Him as you will, He will melt
you into a supreme joy and peace beyond your ability to believe.
You will develop an attachment and faith that will guide your
life and He will be near, bearing your inner burdens for you.
These trials are designed to bring you (and others who learn from
you) to the above understanding. So simple an answer that it
is frustrating.

The second answer is:

Found on your own individual path/journey. It is understanding
your patriarchal blessing and comes in part through meditation and prayer.
Asking the right questions, posturing your position before Him in just
the right way. These answers will surely come, but are you willing to do
what it takes to find out? If so, you will know your individual worth and
realize who you are beyond beauty, eyes, breast, figure.

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