Tuesday, June 27, 2006

I'm feeling better today than I anticipated. So far I hadn't made it to work the day after a shot, but, I made it today. Late, but I made it.

The difference between Mom's and mine is that I want to keep my breast, and also that hers was the fast growing type, whereas mine is slow. The chemo first is to shrink it as much as possible, to lose as little breast as possible in the surgery. I think Mom's was at a critical phase and she didn't have the luxury of time. Apparently, chemo first isn't all that common.

I love my doctor. He's young and brilliant and not afraid to step outside tradition. I was going to write more, but I'm too tired to think now. I have pondered recently the trials over the course of my life...I look at it as having two choices; ask why me, and wonder how I am so deserving of bad things, or to acknowledge that I must have know what I was signing up for when I "shouted for joy" at the opportunity to come to earth. It hasn't been smooth, and I have not been a consistant performer, but I have to trust in my pre-mortal self who knew what she was getting into, and knew that it was necessary. I don't fully understand why it is necessary, and why some people find it in themselves to be thankful for trials, but I'm trying.

The hotter the fire, the finer the steel, eh?

I figure I can't possibly be finished w/ trials at the mere age of 41...so it's a given I'll survive this one!

Love you!
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Thursday, June 29, 2006

I'm feeling discouraged again, because the mass seems to change all thetime. It can't just be my imagination. I feel like nothing is workingand this cancer is growing in my body. I stayed home yesterday, achy allover, temp slightly elevated, but not much (although I rarely havefever, so 1/2 a degree is something for me), everything I eat gives mediahrea. And I have a bleeding hemorroid. So the whole eating,digesting, eliminating process is exhausting. Today I ate yogurt and abanana, and I'm feeling like it is soon for the komode. I criedyesterday at home, feeling so overwhelmed w/ being sick and not seeingthe progress I want to see.
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