Friday, September 29, 2006

Just a quickie and a picture…the hair is growing back, but I look like I should be wearing Dockers and sensible shoes. Haha.

I met with the plastic surgeon, yesterday morning. Nice man, kinda funky looking, asked about mom, said she was a sweet lady, and asked if he'd met me before. I said, no, probably one of my sisters and he said we had the same eyes. Must have been Kendra he met then. I dunno. Took pictures. Little "picture" room off the exam room. Kinda weird.

Anyhoo…if I have to have a mastectomy, he can make them both look "lifted", but….BUT….the biggest implant they make is 800cc, and he estimated that I have 1,200 or 1,300cc (can't remember which he said) of breast tissue. Which means that essentially it would be reduction to the right breast, and best he could do would be about a C cup. I'll have to say good-bye to my DD status. Not really thrilled about that, although lifted would be nice.

I guess there is not going to be any simple, easy or desirable way through this whole thing. Just when I think I can cope with a mastectomy if need be, I find out not only do I lose one breast, I lose two cup sizes in the other in the process.

I know, I know…just get it out of there, my health is most important…UGH…

Disfiguration from a larger lumpectomy to take both spots (undesirable to Dr. R, surgeon #1) is looking higher up on my list of prefered crappy results of having cancer.

This is what they do…(yes "they")…they beat you down until you are too tired to argue anymore and then just do what they want anyway.

I see Dr. B. (surgeon #2) Tuesday afternoon, after driving all the way to North Scottsdale to retrieve my films the ()*$)%(&!@#'s wouldn't let me take with me when I have my biopsy. Yes, you have ALL of them, even the one's you didn't take. Yes, I want the FILMS, not just reports…GRRR…idiot in their "file room".

I called Dr. R.'s assistant, and told her I had met w/ Dr. (plastic surgeon), and that he had mentioned a "skin sparing mastectomy" and I wanted to make sure that Dr. R. would be onboard with that…she said, oh he always leaves as much skin as he can…oh sure, I want to hear the words "skin sparing" come out of his mouth. I am not sure if I want him to do the mastectomy is that's the way I have to go. The main reason I would, would be that (plastic surgeon) works with him often, and (plastic surgeon) has never worked with Dr. B., and I don't know if R. goes to the same hospitals B. uses. I forgot to ask (her) if he ever answered her about my swelling…dang it! Now I have to call her back.

Maybe Dr. R. is in cahoots with plastic surgeons to cut 'em off and send 'em there for reconstruction…

Yes, I'm grumpy. Mostly on the inside. I see Dr. (oncologist) again next Friday. And I'm scheduled for an MRI on the 12th.

I may be over my desire to keep my breast's ashes in an urn. I think saying it outloud in the restaurant last Saturday to Mom and (sisters) may have been enough. But am still going to find an urn. I wonder if skin and breast tissue leave ashes…it's mostly fat..it probably just evaporates.

I've had the flu. It seems to be going around. Someone else here at work came down with it today, and threw up 3 times before we had to practically throw her out of here. I do not want it again. It was awful. Worse than chemo.

I'm so ready for this all to be over, but the more I think I'm near the end, the more it seems like it never ends. Not completely. I wanted to get through chemo, have my lumpectomy and go back to normal. But I can't…it's turning out to be far more life-altering than I wanted it to be.