Thursday, April 27, 2006

Dear Aunt Gaile,

Thank you so much for the email. We had a similar discussion in Relief Society this past Sunday, and as I shared comments, I seemed to gain insight even as I spoke. Tailor-made or just natural consequences of life, I do believe that we knew what we were getting into. I look at my life and have two choices....to ask "why me? what did I do to deserve all this", or to have faith that I did know what I was getting into, and still knew how important it was to be here, and "Shouted for joy" at the opportunity.

The thing that makes it hard is perspective. Pre-mortally, we looked at this life from the perspective of time in God's time-zone. We'd been around for thousands of years, and from there, life on earth must have looked brief. Like saying, "Gone for a day? Trials for a day? I can do that!!" (I exagerate, but you see my point.)

Now we are here, on earth's time, right in the middle of what is, in the Big Picture, a brief moment, but from our perspective here it seem SOOOOOOOOO long, because it's all we remember. That's been a struggle for me in the past few years; looking at the Big Picture. Had I not had the trials I have had in my life, I know I would be a different person today. But obviously that is not the person I need to be. I am, or am becoming, the person I need to be, for whatever it is I eventually need to do. I have had a renewed faith lately that I still do have yet to discover that thing.

I am very attached to my breasts. They are my "thing". Also, I think it has to do with having breast fed, and feeling so productive andf unctional for having done so. But, as a sister in my ward said (whorecently went through breast cancer / chemo / radiation AND a miriad of other health trials in their family), you handle what comes to you, even though you never thought you could handle one more thing. As I watched Mom go through all this, I thought, I can't do that. I thought, I can't do chemo, I'm afraid of what it will do to my brain; I feel addled enough all the time anyway. Then the doctor said chemo was what he wanted to do first, that it was my best shot at breast preservation. Ok, I feel likeI can handle it; hair will grow back, it's temporary; I have to have faith that my brain (and heart) will survive.

Now I've had all that testing, and have had a week and half of worry before my appt w/ the oncologist this coming Wednesday. The nurse from the surgeon's office hasn't called like she said she would with test results. Maybe there is something more and they are leaving it to the oncologist to break it to me. Maybe the cat scan showed some in the other breast. Maybe chemo won't do everything we wanted it to...I've been worried, and I realized yesterday that I was, and that it was keeping me tense. But, whatever it ends up being, I'll be able to deal. I'm taking it one step at a time, and whatever comes, even when a week prior I thought I couldn't handle it, when it comes up, it's ok. I can deal. I had a blessing when I first found out from my home teacher and the High Priest group leader in our ward, and then one a couple weeks ago from my Bishop, after he found out. Lots of people are praying for me, at church, in my family, and at work. And that has given me a sense of peace and calm, and the ability to cope. Immediately after the first blessing, I began to feel peaceful, and that has made all thedifference. I work with several very faithful people. None of them LDS, but active in their churches and very strong faithful people. Marty, our account rep here, is the only man in our office. I hadn't filled him in on the whole thing as it unfolded, because he hadn't been around when we all had been discussing, and it's not something that it's easy to approach someone with. But when I had the appt. to see the surgeon, I felt likeI needed Marty's faith behind me, so I wanted to tell him.

I think it was shortly after the appt, while I was waiting for biopsy results, he came into my office and sat down and asked me how I was doing. I filled him in and let him know that I was waiting for the biopsy results, but that the doctor was confident already that it was cancer. He expressed heart-felt concern and then immediately asked if we could pray. Right there in my office, he prayed out-loud for me. I was so touched. That Friday, the call came from the surgeon with the results. The ladies in the office knew what the call was and saw me crying, and they all gathered in my office around me. DJ, who is a part-time floater, (a RSPres-caliber person, and the Molliest non-Mormon I've ever met), went and got Marty, she told me later because she knew we needed to pray. We all gathered in my office and held hands while Marty again offered aprayer in my behalf. I was so very touched and moved and comforted by the faith of my co-workers. I am so impressed with Marty. He truly exemplifies the scripture "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ".

Anyhow, I am doing ok. Iknow I am keeping things tightly bottled up though. My body has been tense, I haven't been sleeping well. Last night I was lying in bed, thinking about the email I'd sent to everyone, thinking about the fact that I hadn't been to see Jeannie in a long time. I imagined in my mind just sitting in Grandma's living room and relaxing. That house has been my haven, my safe place, for my whole life. As I pictured it, and relaxed a bit, tears started to flow. So I know I have a pretty tight rein on things right now. Only a few more days until my oncologist appt. I will feel better when things are "in the works", and going forward, but I am a little worried. But also I do feel like I will cope, as upsetting as it may be. It doesn't sound like your oncologist was a very compassionate person. I am seeing the same surgeon that mom saw, and he is the nicest man, so compassionate. Not common in a surgeon, but he deals mostly with women and breast issues. I hope the oncologist is nice too. It's the same office mom went to, but a different doctor than she saw.

Yes, the way Brad is at home is my fault. He plays me, and has for a very long time. I've let him get away with it. He works for Dad, he works for Jolyn (a habit developed out of fear), and he works for other people. He whines about helping grandma sometimes, like mowing her lawn, but he does it. With 5 grandsons big enough to mow lawns, shes hould not be doing it. At home, for me, he is just awful. I've been trying to crack down lately, on the whining and the endless excuses andd iscussions and debates. I'm trying not to let inaction slide because I'm too tired or don't feel well.

I'll let you know what I hear from the oncologist on Wednesday. Thankyou for your prayers and love. Talk to you soon,

Love,
Shelli