Just a quickie and a picture…the hair is growing back, but I look like I should be wearing Dockers and sensible shoes. Haha.
I met with the plastic surgeon, yesterday morning. Nice man, kinda funky looking, asked about mom, said she was a sweet lady, and asked if he'd met me before. I said, no, probably one of my sisters and he said we had the same eyes. Must have been Kendra he met then. I dunno. Took pictures. Little "picture" room off the exam room. Kinda weird.
Anyhoo…if I have to have a mastectomy, he can make them both look "lifted", but….BUT….the biggest implant they make is 800cc, and he estimated that I have 1,200 or 1,300cc (can't remember which he said) of breast tissue. Which means that essentially it would be reduction to the right breast, and best he could do would be about a C cup. I'll have to say good-bye to my DD status. Not really thrilled about that, although lifted would be nice.
I guess there is not going to be any simple, easy or desirable way through this whole thing. Just when I think I can cope with a mastectomy if need be, I find out not only do I lose one breast, I lose two cup sizes in the other in the process.
I know, I know…just get it out of there, my health is most important…UGH…
Disfiguration from a larger lumpectomy to take both spots (undesirable to Dr. R, surgeon #1) is looking higher up on my list of prefered crappy results of having cancer.
This is what they do…(yes "they")…they beat you down until you are too tired to argue anymore and then just do what they want anyway.
I see Dr. B. (surgeon #2) Tuesday afternoon, after driving all the way to North Scottsdale to retrieve my films the ()*$)%(&!@#'s wouldn't let me take with me when I have my biopsy. Yes, you have ALL of them, even the one's you didn't take. Yes, I want the FILMS, not just reports…GRRR…idiot in their "file room".
I called Dr. R.'s assistant, and told her I had met w/ Dr. (plastic surgeon), and that he had mentioned a "skin sparing mastectomy" and I wanted to make sure that Dr. R. would be onboard with that…she said, oh he always leaves as much skin as he can…oh sure, I want to hear the words "skin sparing" come out of his mouth. I am not sure if I want him to do the mastectomy is that's the way I have to go. The main reason I would, would be that (plastic surgeon) works with him often, and (plastic surgeon) has never worked with Dr. B., and I don't know if R. goes to the same hospitals B. uses. I forgot to ask (her) if he ever answered her about my swelling…dang it! Now I have to call her back.
Maybe Dr. R. is in cahoots with plastic surgeons to cut 'em off and send 'em there for reconstruction…
Yes, I'm grumpy. Mostly on the inside. I see Dr. (oncologist) again next Friday. And I'm scheduled for an MRI on the 12th.
I may be over my desire to keep my breast's ashes in an urn. I think saying it outloud in the restaurant last Saturday to Mom and (sisters) may have been enough. But am still going to find an urn. I wonder if skin and breast tissue leave ashes…it's mostly fat..it probably just evaporates.
I've had the flu. It seems to be going around. Someone else here at work came down with it today, and threw up 3 times before we had to practically throw her out of here. I do not want it again. It was awful. Worse than chemo.
I'm so ready for this all to be over, but the more I think I'm near the end, the more it seems like it never ends. Not completely. I wanted to get through chemo, have my lumpectomy and go back to normal. But I can't…it's turning out to be far more life-altering than I wanted it to be.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Dear Shelli,
I am so sorry that you are having to experience this trauma. Sometimes the Lord sends things to us in the order we can handle the news. Yes, it is definitely frustrating that the doctors were not all on the same page but maybe the news would have been so devastating that you could not have done all the chemo, etc. as you did. I understand the trauma of losing a breast (even if I was married) it was horrible. I am so visual, just knowing I would be deformed was humiliating. I just had to look at the bigger picture. A breast after all is not an essential part of my functioning on a daily basis. To loose and eye, arm, leg, etc would have been tragic. A breast or two of them in my case was disappointing. You have a son to raise and to leave anything that could metastasize would be very risky. I had the same condition and what they told me was not that I might risk further cancer, but that the only question was when the cancer would reoccur. A breast was not worth that. I did not have to do chemo, because they didn't do it back then if the tumor was contained. In hindsight, I beat the percentages. It has been over twenty years for me and I have been at peace with the decision. The one thing I liked was that the plastic surgeon did the reconstruction at the same time. I did not have to do a separate surgery. I ache for your decision, and I am sorry it is so painful for you. What is the Lord wanting you to learn from this? Surely our challenges are custom designed. Acceptance of what our challenges are in life brings peace. It's that "kicking against the pricks!" that brings so much pain. Sometimes we do things because it's the right thing to do not what we want to do. By all means get second oppinions -- but by all means -- be wise.
My prayers are with you and I love you. (Aunt) G.
I am so sorry that you are having to experience this trauma. Sometimes the Lord sends things to us in the order we can handle the news. Yes, it is definitely frustrating that the doctors were not all on the same page but maybe the news would have been so devastating that you could not have done all the chemo, etc. as you did. I understand the trauma of losing a breast (even if I was married) it was horrible. I am so visual, just knowing I would be deformed was humiliating. I just had to look at the bigger picture. A breast after all is not an essential part of my functioning on a daily basis. To loose and eye, arm, leg, etc would have been tragic. A breast or two of them in my case was disappointing. You have a son to raise and to leave anything that could metastasize would be very risky. I had the same condition and what they told me was not that I might risk further cancer, but that the only question was when the cancer would reoccur. A breast was not worth that. I did not have to do chemo, because they didn't do it back then if the tumor was contained. In hindsight, I beat the percentages. It has been over twenty years for me and I have been at peace with the decision. The one thing I liked was that the plastic surgeon did the reconstruction at the same time. I did not have to do a separate surgery. I ache for your decision, and I am sorry it is so painful for you. What is the Lord wanting you to learn from this? Surely our challenges are custom designed. Acceptance of what our challenges are in life brings peace. It's that "kicking against the pricks!" that brings so much pain. Sometimes we do things because it's the right thing to do not what we want to do. By all means get second oppinions -- but by all means -- be wise.
My prayers are with you and I love you. (Aunt) G.
Friday, September 15, 2006 Conversation with a (Male) Friend
I'm not doing so well this morning. I can't do this cancer thing anymore. I can't lose a breast. I can't wake up from surgery to half a flat chest.
Why did I chose this? What did I think I needed to learn? Would I have been such an insufferable monster that I needed so many things to humble me in life? Was my childhood and crushed self-esteem not enough? I've already lost an eye, do I now need to lose a breast also? What's next?
I am overwhelmed today.
------------------------
Am I vain? Like conceited and vain??
------------------------
From T.:
No; mortal, but not obsessed with vanity. I don’t think conceit has
anything to do with this, as vanity seems to rule in this arena.
I would be upset to lose a tooth, not much less a chest fruit. With
everything else going on, don’t wonder about your vanity. It is okay…
your body is the inner most circle in which yourself dwells…..you
want to protect it and have it be intact as much as possible.
I actually felt a little weird when I had my hip surgery. I lost a significant
amount of my leg bone and the entire hip socket. I chose my surgeon
because he was renowned for a relatively small incision.
I thought I had that squared away with him, small incision. Then I
woke up from surgery and found the he had literally cut my left
buttock in half, literally! The incision ran from the buttock all the
way down my leg half way to my knee. This surgery doesn’t normally
require that the buttock is cut. The left side deflated and
I was horribly lopsided, it was noticeable with clothes on to others,
and btw, know ahead of time, it wasn’t just me looking in the mirror and thinking
it looked bad, it was bad. I found it interesting how I dealt with. It wasn’t
a breast, but, it was kind of a semi-private part and was forever changed.
It just made me feel vulnerable and human. As time has gone by, I have
built up the muscle, but, it will never be the same. I don’t change in the
dressing room anymore. I am angry still to a lesser degree with the dr.
I know breast trumps butt, but…just empathizing where I can to a small
degree..
----------------------
the question went back to the morning's first email...why did I need, in this life, to lose an eye, to have breast cancer and lose my eye-lashes, my hair and possibly a breast...without those losses, was I posed to be horribly vain and superficial? Or is there something else here that I am supposed to figure out?
I appreciate your empathy. You probably understand better than anyone other than someone who has also lost a breast, who was very attached to them at least. My mother didn't really bat an eye. Neither of my sisters think they would shed a tear if called upon to do so. I just don't think I can do it.
---------------------
From T.:
Circumstances imposed upon us are all okay with us before we come here apparently.
Destructive consequences we impose upon ourselves probably are not, but, in the
blink of an eye, life will be done for all of us. Someone who lived at the time of Abraham
had feelings, intents and desires. They suffered loss with no possibility of recovery,
no cosmetic remedy. And yet, whatever they suffered, whatever fallout resulted, ended
more than 5000 years ago. They have been whole for over 5000 years at least in the
spirit world, if not already resurrected. The years spent in broken mortality have
been trumped and made up 5000 times over.
Probably the better question to ask is not why me now, but, what in tarnation
was I thinking before I came to earth 39 years ago?
----------------------
well, yeah, that's basically what my question is...what was I thinking? Why did I sign up for this, what purpose did I have in my non-mortal, never felt pain mind, to put my name down for all this...why did I say, please Lord, let me be fat, lose an eye and a breast, oh yeah, and an abusive childhood would be just the ticket to start it all off with...
But bitter undertones aside...seriously...why did I choose this? I have a FAR easier time saying, why did I choose this, and looking for answers, than saying, why did God do this to me, and looking for answers. What did I want me to learn? I have to figure it out. Staving off vanity would be an answer that fit all categories...hmmm...if I make it through childhood and the loss of my eye alive, let's add on a weight problem, then if I emerge into adulthood with any shred of self-esteem intact, let's tack on breast cancer just so to make sure I CAN'T be vain...I don't know Tom...I keep asking myself if I have those potential traits in me...maybe, but I have to think that at this point I was pretty well clear of turning into a mean, blonde cheerleader type, wouldn't you think?
So what is it? I voiced to Cyndi the other day the quandry of what I was supposed to learn from this. She told me she didn't know but that others had learned a lot from me. Does it work that way? Or does there have to be something else I'm supposed to discover or be humbled of?
---------------------
There are two answers to the questions you pose, grasshopper.
The first answer is applicable to all:
You have these trials to draw closer to Christ. Pat as it may
seem, when you come to know Him as you will, He will melt
you into a supreme joy and peace beyond your ability to believe.
You will develop an attachment and faith that will guide your
life and He will be near, bearing your inner burdens for you.
These trials are designed to bring you (and others who learn from
you) to the above understanding. So simple an answer that it
is frustrating.
The second answer is:
Found on your own individual path/journey. It is understanding
your patriarchal blessing and comes in part through meditation and prayer.
Asking the right questions, posturing your position before Him in just
the right way. These answers will surely come, but are you willing to do
what it takes to find out? If so, you will know your individual worth and
realize who you are beyond beauty, eyes, breast, figure.
-----------------------
Why did I chose this? What did I think I needed to learn? Would I have been such an insufferable monster that I needed so many things to humble me in life? Was my childhood and crushed self-esteem not enough? I've already lost an eye, do I now need to lose a breast also? What's next?
I am overwhelmed today.
------------------------
Am I vain? Like conceited and vain??
------------------------
From T.:
No; mortal, but not obsessed with vanity. I don’t think conceit has
anything to do with this, as vanity seems to rule in this arena.
I would be upset to lose a tooth, not much less a chest fruit. With
everything else going on, don’t wonder about your vanity. It is okay…
your body is the inner most circle in which yourself dwells…..you
want to protect it and have it be intact as much as possible.
I actually felt a little weird when I had my hip surgery. I lost a significant
amount of my leg bone and the entire hip socket. I chose my surgeon
because he was renowned for a relatively small incision.
I thought I had that squared away with him, small incision. Then I
woke up from surgery and found the he had literally cut my left
buttock in half, literally! The incision ran from the buttock all the
way down my leg half way to my knee. This surgery doesn’t normally
require that the buttock is cut. The left side deflated and
I was horribly lopsided, it was noticeable with clothes on to others,
and btw, know ahead of time, it wasn’t just me looking in the mirror and thinking
it looked bad, it was bad. I found it interesting how I dealt with. It wasn’t
a breast, but, it was kind of a semi-private part and was forever changed.
It just made me feel vulnerable and human. As time has gone by, I have
built up the muscle, but, it will never be the same. I don’t change in the
dressing room anymore. I am angry still to a lesser degree with the dr.
I know breast trumps butt, but…just empathizing where I can to a small
degree..
----------------------
the question went back to the morning's first email...why did I need, in this life, to lose an eye, to have breast cancer and lose my eye-lashes, my hair and possibly a breast...without those losses, was I posed to be horribly vain and superficial? Or is there something else here that I am supposed to figure out?
I appreciate your empathy. You probably understand better than anyone other than someone who has also lost a breast, who was very attached to them at least. My mother didn't really bat an eye. Neither of my sisters think they would shed a tear if called upon to do so. I just don't think I can do it.
---------------------
From T.:
Circumstances imposed upon us are all okay with us before we come here apparently.
Destructive consequences we impose upon ourselves probably are not, but, in the
blink of an eye, life will be done for all of us. Someone who lived at the time of Abraham
had feelings, intents and desires. They suffered loss with no possibility of recovery,
no cosmetic remedy. And yet, whatever they suffered, whatever fallout resulted, ended
more than 5000 years ago. They have been whole for over 5000 years at least in the
spirit world, if not already resurrected. The years spent in broken mortality have
been trumped and made up 5000 times over.
Probably the better question to ask is not why me now, but, what in tarnation
was I thinking before I came to earth 39 years ago?
----------------------
well, yeah, that's basically what my question is...what was I thinking? Why did I sign up for this, what purpose did I have in my non-mortal, never felt pain mind, to put my name down for all this...why did I say, please Lord, let me be fat, lose an eye and a breast, oh yeah, and an abusive childhood would be just the ticket to start it all off with...
But bitter undertones aside...seriously...why did I choose this? I have a FAR easier time saying, why did I choose this, and looking for answers, than saying, why did God do this to me, and looking for answers. What did I want me to learn? I have to figure it out. Staving off vanity would be an answer that fit all categories...hmmm...if I make it through childhood and the loss of my eye alive, let's add on a weight problem, then if I emerge into adulthood with any shred of self-esteem intact, let's tack on breast cancer just so to make sure I CAN'T be vain...I don't know Tom...I keep asking myself if I have those potential traits in me...maybe, but I have to think that at this point I was pretty well clear of turning into a mean, blonde cheerleader type, wouldn't you think?
So what is it? I voiced to Cyndi the other day the quandry of what I was supposed to learn from this. She told me she didn't know but that others had learned a lot from me. Does it work that way? Or does there have to be something else I'm supposed to discover or be humbled of?
---------------------
There are two answers to the questions you pose, grasshopper.
The first answer is applicable to all:
You have these trials to draw closer to Christ. Pat as it may
seem, when you come to know Him as you will, He will melt
you into a supreme joy and peace beyond your ability to believe.
You will develop an attachment and faith that will guide your
life and He will be near, bearing your inner burdens for you.
These trials are designed to bring you (and others who learn from
you) to the above understanding. So simple an answer that it
is frustrating.
The second answer is:
Found on your own individual path/journey. It is understanding
your patriarchal blessing and comes in part through meditation and prayer.
Asking the right questions, posturing your position before Him in just
the right way. These answers will surely come, but are you willing to do
what it takes to find out? If so, you will know your individual worth and
realize who you are beyond beauty, eyes, breast, figure.
-----------------------
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
In a nutshell:
The doctor called me last night w/ the results of the biopsy. It showed that the area had DCIS, which is Ductal Carcinoma in Situ, or precancerous, non-invasive cells within the breast ducts. He also called it high grade. Combined with the other tumor, his answer is mastectomy. He said other surgeons might be more aggressive w/ the breast conservation approach, but his is more comfortable w/ the mastectomy approach.
I wonder how comfortable he would be with "lose all of your penis vs. lose part of your penis"??
I'm very VERY angry right now with both the surgeon and the oncologist for ignoring this area of microcalcifications until the end. I feel they should have been biopsied in the beginning, before a lumpectomy was offered. He told me he couldn't recall the "thought process" that lead to taking the approach that was taken. I think the "thought process" was lack of communication between doctors and not reading notes very well.
Had I not said "what about the calcification spots?" at my appointment w/ the surgeon at the conclusion of my chemotherapy, we would have merrily gone on our way with the lumpectomy. I DID repeatedly ask my oncologist about the calcifications and he kept saying it would be ok, that they would get it with lumpectomy, that I wouldn't lose my nipple area, that I could do a lumpectomy. I haven't decided whether to call him and yell at him or wait until next Friday when I have an appointment with him. Frankly, as much as I liked him, I'm thinking of changing oncologists as well.
I am going to get a second opinion. The surgeon gave me the name of another surgeon who he knows personally and says is more aggressive w/breast conservation. I also got the name of the surgeon a lady in my ward used who is a very big on breast conservation attempts. She had three masses, in the same general area, and he was still willing to do lumpectomy.
The surgeon's assistant is supposed to call me with names of some plastic surgeons I can consult with and see pictures of their work. Goodie. I plan to tell her to have the doctor go through is notes and find that "thought process", as he said he would have to do to remember what it was. I do think I finally made him understand last night how angry I was about spending 16 weeks thinking one thing, lumpectomy, when that was false hope, and that now I feel the same emotional upheaval I felt when I found out I HAD cancer, all over again.
So, I guess my next step is to retrieve all my films from North Scottsdale ( they insisted on keeping everything after the biopsy, which upset me), getting copies of all my radiology and pathology reports, and talking to other surgeons. I don't relish the idea, but my plan B is to insist on just the lumpectomy of the main tumor, and refuse anything to do with the DCIS, which would have been the actual course of action had I kept my mouth shut at my last appointment, and take my chances.
Here's a thought...if an area of DCIS is non-invasive, doesn't poking holes in it with a biopsy let it OUT of its duct?? I'm not happy. But at least angry keeps me from bawling.
Opinions welcome.
Ok, that was a BIG nutshell...
The doctor called me last night w/ the results of the biopsy. It showed that the area had DCIS, which is Ductal Carcinoma in Situ, or precancerous, non-invasive cells within the breast ducts. He also called it high grade. Combined with the other tumor, his answer is mastectomy. He said other surgeons might be more aggressive w/ the breast conservation approach, but his is more comfortable w/ the mastectomy approach.
I wonder how comfortable he would be with "lose all of your penis vs. lose part of your penis"??
I'm very VERY angry right now with both the surgeon and the oncologist for ignoring this area of microcalcifications until the end. I feel they should have been biopsied in the beginning, before a lumpectomy was offered. He told me he couldn't recall the "thought process" that lead to taking the approach that was taken. I think the "thought process" was lack of communication between doctors and not reading notes very well.
Had I not said "what about the calcification spots?" at my appointment w/ the surgeon at the conclusion of my chemotherapy, we would have merrily gone on our way with the lumpectomy. I DID repeatedly ask my oncologist about the calcifications and he kept saying it would be ok, that they would get it with lumpectomy, that I wouldn't lose my nipple area, that I could do a lumpectomy. I haven't decided whether to call him and yell at him or wait until next Friday when I have an appointment with him. Frankly, as much as I liked him, I'm thinking of changing oncologists as well.
I am going to get a second opinion. The surgeon gave me the name of another surgeon who he knows personally and says is more aggressive w/breast conservation. I also got the name of the surgeon a lady in my ward used who is a very big on breast conservation attempts. She had three masses, in the same general area, and he was still willing to do lumpectomy.
The surgeon's assistant is supposed to call me with names of some plastic surgeons I can consult with and see pictures of their work. Goodie. I plan to tell her to have the doctor go through is notes and find that "thought process", as he said he would have to do to remember what it was. I do think I finally made him understand last night how angry I was about spending 16 weeks thinking one thing, lumpectomy, when that was false hope, and that now I feel the same emotional upheaval I felt when I found out I HAD cancer, all over again.
So, I guess my next step is to retrieve all my films from North Scottsdale ( they insisted on keeping everything after the biopsy, which upset me), getting copies of all my radiology and pathology reports, and talking to other surgeons. I don't relish the idea, but my plan B is to insist on just the lumpectomy of the main tumor, and refuse anything to do with the DCIS, which would have been the actual course of action had I kept my mouth shut at my last appointment, and take my chances.
Here's a thought...if an area of DCIS is non-invasive, doesn't poking holes in it with a biopsy let it OUT of its duct?? I'm not happy. But at least angry keeps me from bawling.
Opinions welcome.
Ok, that was a BIG nutshell...
Tuesday, September 5, 2006
This weekend was awful. I was so upset after the doctor appointments, I cried and cried. I went to bed early Friday, about 6:00pm, got up Saturday and took a shower then cried and cried some more. I called Mom and said I'd go over, but then spent more time crying.
Finally I thought to take something, and after that kicked in I was able to stop crying. It had been like finding out about having cancer all over again, and it felt like the chemo had been 16 weeks of false hope. The tears are still just below the surface, but I've been able to get mad, and I seemed to find some clarity in the post crying, Zanax-induced calm.
I'm mad at both doctors for not paying enough attention to the films, and just going on what they could feel. I'm mad at both of them for not having enough communication between them (I don't feel this surgeon is fully on the "breast preservation" bandwagon). So I'm going to ask the radiologist at the imaging center on Friday to show me both sets of films again before the biopsy, so I can look for the things that I remember the first radiologist back in March pointing out to me. If there is cancer in any other spot, I'm not doing the surgery (mastectomy) without a second opinion. I am not happy w/ my surgeon right now.
If I hadn't said something about the other spots on the films, they would just done the lumpectomy (or as my friend DJ is now calling it, the limectomy, based on the size of what will have to be removed…haha) and not even thought about the other spot, which is still not the calcification spots I remember the radiologist in March showing me. So that's my plan. I'm sure I'll be more mad at them both after how painful this needle biopsy will be, which, by the way, they should have done months ago before starting chemo and before telling me they though they could do just a lumpectomy. Then depending on the outcome of the biopsy, I either yell at them both, or refuse surgery and get another opinion. Mad and stubborn works better for me than crying. I cried so much Friday night and Saturday that from the sniffling and such causing movement in my chest muscles I guess, my port tube was all swollen around and sore. It's ok now though. And that's another reason this surgeon is not getting any slack from me…I think this three-inch scar on my chest is about 6 inches toward the center of my chest farther than it needed to be…now it will show forever. Not a happy camper here.
Finally I thought to take something, and after that kicked in I was able to stop crying. It had been like finding out about having cancer all over again, and it felt like the chemo had been 16 weeks of false hope. The tears are still just below the surface, but I've been able to get mad, and I seemed to find some clarity in the post crying, Zanax-induced calm.
I'm mad at both doctors for not paying enough attention to the films, and just going on what they could feel. I'm mad at both of them for not having enough communication between them (I don't feel this surgeon is fully on the "breast preservation" bandwagon). So I'm going to ask the radiologist at the imaging center on Friday to show me both sets of films again before the biopsy, so I can look for the things that I remember the first radiologist back in March pointing out to me. If there is cancer in any other spot, I'm not doing the surgery (mastectomy) without a second opinion. I am not happy w/ my surgeon right now.
If I hadn't said something about the other spots on the films, they would just done the lumpectomy (or as my friend DJ is now calling it, the limectomy, based on the size of what will have to be removed…haha) and not even thought about the other spot, which is still not the calcification spots I remember the radiologist in March showing me. So that's my plan. I'm sure I'll be more mad at them both after how painful this needle biopsy will be, which, by the way, they should have done months ago before starting chemo and before telling me they though they could do just a lumpectomy. Then depending on the outcome of the biopsy, I either yell at them both, or refuse surgery and get another opinion. Mad and stubborn works better for me than crying. I cried so much Friday night and Saturday that from the sniffling and such causing movement in my chest muscles I guess, my port tube was all swollen around and sore. It's ok now though. And that's another reason this surgeon is not getting any slack from me…I think this three-inch scar on my chest is about 6 inches toward the center of my chest farther than it needed to be…now it will show forever. Not a happy camper here.
Friday, September 1, 2006
Dear All,
Well, taking my top off for two different attractive doctors today wasn't NEARLY as fun as it SHOULD have been.
The news started out good...the surgeon agreed that we had very good response in the mass, which he estimated by the films to be about 2cm. Based on that, a lumpectomy would be one incision and loss of tissue about the size of a lime. I can spare tissue the size a lime.
What about those other spots of calcification, says I? I've asked the oncologist about them all along, and I thought the surgeon was aware of them since they were on the original films and in the radiology report. They show in the most recent films, but that radiologist didn't mention them in his report, so the surgeon went back to his office to look at it and brought the film in to show me. So I'm irked that we didn't take this spot more seriously to begin with. He said we will have to biopsy it, needle biopsy, guided by ultrasound, at an imaging center. If it is just tissue, blah blah blah (didn't write down the words, so I have no idea what he said) then the lumpectomy will be a GO. If it is cancerous, precancerous, blah blah, or blah blah blah, (again, didn't write down the words so I have no idea), then they can't do a lumpectomy and it will have to be a mastectomy. I've been worried about this spot all along, and if we'd biopsied it earlier, I could have known. And I forgot to ask both of them a question I have been meaning to ask, about how long it is likely that a tumor my size had been growing before I found it, just for my curiosity. Just having the cancer affects you, even though you don't know it's there, right?
We didn't do another treatment of the Taxotere today. It would have been my 5th, and we were only going to do it so as not to lose any of the progress while waiting for my surgery date. We decided not to do it, since, depending on the biopsy results, it could be a moot point, and by not doing it, she can get me in for the biopsy right away and not have to wait a whole week after treatment. Also, surgery can be as soon as he can get me in after he gets the results, instead of waiting 4 wks after the treatment. So, at least I don't have to be sick next week and miss any work, other than for the biopsy appt.
My oncologist, bless his sweet heart, said he really had a good feeling in his heart that this is nothing, and that everything is going to go the way we wanted. I'm going to go with his feeling, and hope for the best. If it's lumpectomy, then I lose a lime-sized piece and nothing more. If it's mastectomy, then I get a boob job. I asked Marty to have a prayer with me before I left for the appts this morning. I know that it helped, even though I shed a lot of tears today (some on Dr.'s Regis-Philbin-style purple shirt w/ coordinating purple tie), I know I will be able to accept whatever the outcome is and move on. That's what it's all about, right? I'm glad I came back in to work to keep my mind off it and give my subconscious a chance to adjust while I keep the conscious busy with work. I am tired now though; emotion take a lot out of you, but Brad will be gone w/ his dad when I get home, so I can go straight to bed if I want.
So, pray for me that it's nothing, and that if it has to be something that I will accept it gracefully and with faith. Thank you all who keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I know it has helped me.
-------------------
Well, taking my top off for two different attractive doctors today wasn't NEARLY as fun as it SHOULD have been.
The news started out good...the surgeon agreed that we had very good response in the mass, which he estimated by the films to be about 2cm. Based on that, a lumpectomy would be one incision and loss of tissue about the size of a lime. I can spare tissue the size a lime.
What about those other spots of calcification, says I? I've asked the oncologist about them all along, and I thought the surgeon was aware of them since they were on the original films and in the radiology report. They show in the most recent films, but that radiologist didn't mention them in his report, so the surgeon went back to his office to look at it and brought the film in to show me. So I'm irked that we didn't take this spot more seriously to begin with. He said we will have to biopsy it, needle biopsy, guided by ultrasound, at an imaging center. If it is just tissue, blah blah blah (didn't write down the words, so I have no idea what he said) then the lumpectomy will be a GO. If it is cancerous, precancerous, blah blah, or blah blah blah, (again, didn't write down the words so I have no idea), then they can't do a lumpectomy and it will have to be a mastectomy. I've been worried about this spot all along, and if we'd biopsied it earlier, I could have known. And I forgot to ask both of them a question I have been meaning to ask, about how long it is likely that a tumor my size had been growing before I found it, just for my curiosity. Just having the cancer affects you, even though you don't know it's there, right?
We didn't do another treatment of the Taxotere today. It would have been my 5th, and we were only going to do it so as not to lose any of the progress while waiting for my surgery date. We decided not to do it, since, depending on the biopsy results, it could be a moot point, and by not doing it, she can get me in for the biopsy right away and not have to wait a whole week after treatment. Also, surgery can be as soon as he can get me in after he gets the results, instead of waiting 4 wks after the treatment. So, at least I don't have to be sick next week and miss any work, other than for the biopsy appt.
My oncologist, bless his sweet heart, said he really had a good feeling in his heart that this is nothing, and that everything is going to go the way we wanted. I'm going to go with his feeling, and hope for the best. If it's lumpectomy, then I lose a lime-sized piece and nothing more. If it's mastectomy, then I get a boob job. I asked Marty to have a prayer with me before I left for the appts this morning. I know that it helped, even though I shed a lot of tears today (some on Dr.'s Regis-Philbin-style purple shirt w/ coordinating purple tie), I know I will be able to accept whatever the outcome is and move on. That's what it's all about, right? I'm glad I came back in to work to keep my mind off it and give my subconscious a chance to adjust while I keep the conscious busy with work. I am tired now though; emotion take a lot out of you, but Brad will be gone w/ his dad when I get home, so I can go straight to bed if I want.
So, pray for me that it's nothing, and that if it has to be something that I will accept it gracefully and with faith. Thank you all who keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I know it has helped me.
-------------------
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Friday, August 25, 2006 - Replies
Hi,
I don't "know" much about the nipple thing but I watched the whole procedure on one of those medical shows I like. In talking to my friend at school she said that her surgeon was going to pucker some of her breast tissue into the shape of a nipple and then she would have it tatooed after it healed. By using the tissue in tact with nerves she is anticipating some sensation but not really counting on it being the same.
We are tied to our body parts as women. I remember when I was only 23 and had my hysterectomy...it isn't the same when part of you is taken away. I think that is part of the blessing of the resurrection...a perfect body given back to us and since Heavenly Father is a God of passions we will have a killer body and perfected passions to play with. At least that sounds really good to me.
While those stud muffins are "manipulating" your breast you just tell them how you like it and to move a little lower or to the right or what ever feels good. If they don't like it, tell them to "lump" it. :)
Seriously, I can't tell you how to feel about all of this because it is such a personal hurdle that only you can scale. But I can tell you to ask Heavenly Father the right questions. Don't ask the why me kind, ask the what am I to learn from this kind. He loves you more than anyone else and so He knows what is best and for some reason, He knows that you are strong enough to be tempered by this trial. When He tests with such huge things it is because either you need to show others how to handle the situation with style and grace and integrity and not run from the Lord. Or it is because you are progressing so well He needs to refine you a bit. Not preaching just giving you the thoughts of comfort that have helped me weather storms in my life. But without a doubt I know that you must never loose your integrity, your testimony, and your trust of the Lord in any trial He might place in your path. He is your Heavenly Father and He loved you first and perfectly.
Let me know what happens Friday and if they did a good job of "feeling you up." If they don't, I could write them a scathingly nasty note and have them do it again. :)
I love you, sweety,
Aunt B.
==================
I know whatever happens, I'll be upset but then I'll handle it. I've never had the luxury in life of falling apart. When Mom was going through her cancer I thought, I have to be the one NOT to have cancer because I could NOT do this...but I am, and I'm ok. That reconstruction doesn't sound so great, but better than nothing if faced w/ it. Did your friend at school lose both breasts or one?
Gaile suggested to me that not only are we given trials to learn from, but that we had a hand in choosing them. That seemed to ring true to me, made life seem less imposed, made me feel like maybe I knew what I was doing when I jumped into this life. I shared the idea w/ my R.S. last month on Fast Sunday, and a sister I don't even know came up to me afterward in tears and said that the things I shared were an answer to prayer.
My sweet doctor; about every-other time he gives both "the girls" a good once-over. It makes me feel watched over. Chemo pretty much kills the ol' sex drive, so there's not much of that kind of excitement involved. Not that it's UNpleasant at all... :) I secretly think that he secretly enjoys it too. That's my fantasy and I'm stickin' to it.
I can't imagine how traumatic it must have been to have a hysterectomy at 23. I have been determined to hold onto my reproductive parts past when I need them. I guess everyone is different though; Kendra didn't mourn the loss of her uterus at all, and both she and Karri would not bat an eye at losing both breasts.
I was fretting about it all in bed last night (maybe that's why I ended up sleeping so poorly) and shed a few tears, but today, I feel a lot better. More accepting of whatever comes. I had planned to come to work for a couple of hours on Friday before my appts, but slow as we are, and considering that I probably won't make it back in after everything if we do a chemo treatment, I may just take the morning too.
Love you! Thanks for being my Aunt!
==========================
Hey Bon,
My friend Tom offered me one of his nipples, as he "is not currently using it". That made me laugh. Then the thought of one nipple that nursed a baby for 11 months and one useless little man-nipple made me laugh even more.
So what do you know about it?
When I brought it up to the oncologist a while back, asking him if he thought I'd have to lose the nipple, I burst into tears. I don't think everyone else understands my attachment. Reconstruction wouldn't fix the loss of sensation, of center of being. Even thought I'm "not currently using them" (haha), I may want to in the future some time, and they are an important link in the arousal process for me, critical in fact. 'Nuff said about that. :) I'm not sure how to explain the "center" thing. Is it one of those Chinese points of energy or something? I know there are worse things that could happen, but if this does, I know it will be very hard for me. The oncologist seemed to think it wouldn't be necessary, but seems to me it would depend on how close to that area the calcification is, although he really wasn't too specific about the removal of the calcification. Friday is the big day when the surgeon gets all the questions I've been pestering the oncologist with and crying over. He has my films too. I didn't look at the new ones, I took them to the oncologist to see, and then dropped them at the surgeon's office, so I'll have to have him show me.
Plus now I'm wondering if insurance companies cover reconstruction after a lumpectomy, or just after a mastectomy, and when does a lumpectomy become a partial mastectomy? More questions for the surgeon.
I haven't had a period since I started chemo, but the hormonal cycle still seems to be in play, making me pre-menstrual right now, and with that and everything coming up, anticipating Friday's appointments, I'm feeling rather depressed. I guess I can look forward to several attractive men touching my breasts on Friday...haha. I feel like I should have as many people as possible in on the exams, or be showing them around or something while they're both still in tact. Both doctors are very kind and compassionate. I feel very lucky. And hey, young and attractive beats old and stodgy when they're feeling my boobs, right?
I'd better pretend to have work to do. We are so slow right now, being tied to the real estate market as we are.
Thanks for remembering me in the temple and your prayers. I need it.
===================
Hello my sweet niece,
I guess that is good news and bad news all in the same sweep. My friend and I were just talking yesterday about her nipple reconstructive surgery. We were into hot and heavy when another teacher walked in and was stunned to hear us talking about nipples. Well, you know me, nothing is off limits. I've seen it done on TV and so she was asking and then telling me what she had been told. She is wearing her own hair this year and looks darling with her spiky little cut.
I hold you in my prayers as well as your doctors. I've taken to putting your name in the temple as: Shelliann Gibbons et al. I'm hoping the Lord reads that as your doctors, family, and friends.
I love you, pretty girl. Stay optomistic.
Aunt Bonnie
I don't "know" much about the nipple thing but I watched the whole procedure on one of those medical shows I like. In talking to my friend at school she said that her surgeon was going to pucker some of her breast tissue into the shape of a nipple and then she would have it tatooed after it healed. By using the tissue in tact with nerves she is anticipating some sensation but not really counting on it being the same.
We are tied to our body parts as women. I remember when I was only 23 and had my hysterectomy...it isn't the same when part of you is taken away. I think that is part of the blessing of the resurrection...a perfect body given back to us and since Heavenly Father is a God of passions we will have a killer body and perfected passions to play with. At least that sounds really good to me.
While those stud muffins are "manipulating" your breast you just tell them how you like it and to move a little lower or to the right or what ever feels good. If they don't like it, tell them to "lump" it. :)
Seriously, I can't tell you how to feel about all of this because it is such a personal hurdle that only you can scale. But I can tell you to ask Heavenly Father the right questions. Don't ask the why me kind, ask the what am I to learn from this kind. He loves you more than anyone else and so He knows what is best and for some reason, He knows that you are strong enough to be tempered by this trial. When He tests with such huge things it is because either you need to show others how to handle the situation with style and grace and integrity and not run from the Lord. Or it is because you are progressing so well He needs to refine you a bit. Not preaching just giving you the thoughts of comfort that have helped me weather storms in my life. But without a doubt I know that you must never loose your integrity, your testimony, and your trust of the Lord in any trial He might place in your path. He is your Heavenly Father and He loved you first and perfectly.
Let me know what happens Friday and if they did a good job of "feeling you up." If they don't, I could write them a scathingly nasty note and have them do it again. :)
I love you, sweety,
Aunt B.
==================
I know whatever happens, I'll be upset but then I'll handle it. I've never had the luxury in life of falling apart. When Mom was going through her cancer I thought, I have to be the one NOT to have cancer because I could NOT do this...but I am, and I'm ok. That reconstruction doesn't sound so great, but better than nothing if faced w/ it. Did your friend at school lose both breasts or one?
Gaile suggested to me that not only are we given trials to learn from, but that we had a hand in choosing them. That seemed to ring true to me, made life seem less imposed, made me feel like maybe I knew what I was doing when I jumped into this life. I shared the idea w/ my R.S. last month on Fast Sunday, and a sister I don't even know came up to me afterward in tears and said that the things I shared were an answer to prayer.
My sweet doctor; about every-other time he gives both "the girls" a good once-over. It makes me feel watched over. Chemo pretty much kills the ol' sex drive, so there's not much of that kind of excitement involved. Not that it's UNpleasant at all... :) I secretly think that he secretly enjoys it too. That's my fantasy and I'm stickin' to it.
I can't imagine how traumatic it must have been to have a hysterectomy at 23. I have been determined to hold onto my reproductive parts past when I need them. I guess everyone is different though; Kendra didn't mourn the loss of her uterus at all, and both she and Karri would not bat an eye at losing both breasts.
I was fretting about it all in bed last night (maybe that's why I ended up sleeping so poorly) and shed a few tears, but today, I feel a lot better. More accepting of whatever comes. I had planned to come to work for a couple of hours on Friday before my appts, but slow as we are, and considering that I probably won't make it back in after everything if we do a chemo treatment, I may just take the morning too.
Love you! Thanks for being my Aunt!
==========================
Hey Bon,
My friend Tom offered me one of his nipples, as he "is not currently using it". That made me laugh. Then the thought of one nipple that nursed a baby for 11 months and one useless little man-nipple made me laugh even more.
So what do you know about it?
When I brought it up to the oncologist a while back, asking him if he thought I'd have to lose the nipple, I burst into tears. I don't think everyone else understands my attachment. Reconstruction wouldn't fix the loss of sensation, of center of being. Even thought I'm "not currently using them" (haha), I may want to in the future some time, and they are an important link in the arousal process for me, critical in fact. 'Nuff said about that. :) I'm not sure how to explain the "center" thing. Is it one of those Chinese points of energy or something? I know there are worse things that could happen, but if this does, I know it will be very hard for me. The oncologist seemed to think it wouldn't be necessary, but seems to me it would depend on how close to that area the calcification is, although he really wasn't too specific about the removal of the calcification. Friday is the big day when the surgeon gets all the questions I've been pestering the oncologist with and crying over. He has my films too. I didn't look at the new ones, I took them to the oncologist to see, and then dropped them at the surgeon's office, so I'll have to have him show me.
Plus now I'm wondering if insurance companies cover reconstruction after a lumpectomy, or just after a mastectomy, and when does a lumpectomy become a partial mastectomy? More questions for the surgeon.
I haven't had a period since I started chemo, but the hormonal cycle still seems to be in play, making me pre-menstrual right now, and with that and everything coming up, anticipating Friday's appointments, I'm feeling rather depressed. I guess I can look forward to several attractive men touching my breasts on Friday...haha. I feel like I should have as many people as possible in on the exams, or be showing them around or something while they're both still in tact. Both doctors are very kind and compassionate. I feel very lucky. And hey, young and attractive beats old and stodgy when they're feeling my boobs, right?
I'd better pretend to have work to do. We are so slow right now, being tied to the real estate market as we are.
Thanks for remembering me in the temple and your prayers. I need it.
===================
Hello my sweet niece,
I guess that is good news and bad news all in the same sweep. My friend and I were just talking yesterday about her nipple reconstructive surgery. We were into hot and heavy when another teacher walked in and was stunned to hear us talking about nipples. Well, you know me, nothing is off limits. I've seen it done on TV and so she was asking and then telling me what she had been told. She is wearing her own hair this year and looks darling with her spiky little cut.
I hold you in my prayers as well as your doctors. I've taken to putting your name in the temple as: Shelliann Gibbons et al. I'm hoping the Lord reads that as your doctors, family, and friends.
I love you, pretty girl. Stay optomistic.
Aunt Bonnie
Friday, August 25, 2006
I've been a little lax in sending out my updates...mostly because I'm tired and cranky and sick of the whole thing. It's gotten more difficult to keep up the "positive attitude" front.
Doctor (oncologist), bless his sweet adorable heart, thinks I can be all done with it all before Thanksgiving. That would certainly be reason to be thankful. When I saw him last friday, I was very stressed; coming to the end of one phase forces me to consider the ramifications of the next phase. He let me cry on his shoulder for a bit, and then when he finally made me smile he said, "there's the Shelliann I know...". Are oncologists extra nice? Not many doctors are as kind, warm and compassionate as this man.
I had another mammogram and ultrasound done last week. The radiologist, the oncologist and the surgeon all said there was definite change / shrinkage. The surgeon's office said there was a reduction in the number of calcification spots. The oncologist seemed to think all would be fine for the planned lumpectomy. The surgeon's nurse was more vague. I'm very concerned about how much breast I will lose and how much external accessory, if any, i.e. the nippular area, I will lose. I guess that is my biggest fear. I know in the grand scheme of surviving cancer, it's a small price to pay, but it's not one that I want to pay, and I do have reasons, besides vanity. The oncologist didn't think I would have to lose the nipple, but those calcification spots are what concern me. He said they are part of the tumor, yet they are farther forward that the main mass that we have been monitoring.
I don't have too long to fret and wonder; I have an appt w/ the surgeon on September 1st. I will know for sure after I see him. I go from him to an appt w/ the oncologist, and depending on what the surgeon says I guess, we may do another treatment of Taxotere that day, to preserve what shrinkage we have achieved, since surgery will likely be another 2-3 wks after that. If the surgeon says I have to lose a lot, or have to lose the nipple area, then screw the Taxotere, cuz I'm sick of being sick. And there will be a lot of tears that day.
Enough contemplation of THAT before I make myself cry!! Just keep telling myself, I'll probably get Demerol in the hospital...If it have a lot to adjust to after surgery, maybe a few days on a controlled substance will give my sub-concious time to adjust while I float in the black, dreamless vacation of sleep that is Demerol....shhhh, don't tell the doctors I like it that much or they probably won't give it to me! And actually, being laid up on disability sounds like a good break from my stressful boss right now too!
So much to look forward to! haha. Love you all, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. OH, I almost forgot, when we switched drugs, my hair started coming back. Unfortunately so did the facial hair, and I am quite fuzzy. But my hair on my head is about 1/2 inch long I'd say, for the most part, started as pale white and soft, but it's starting to come in dark as well. The lady at the health food store recommended rinsing w/ a tea made of stinging nettle. Supposed to help w/ the growth and help it not come in gray. She said someone there at their store has used it, so that's what I am doing. Also a supplement containing horsetail (the herb, not the animal's appendage). In a few weeks, I'm thinking it might be in enough to go w/ out the wig, which is hotter now that the hair is coming in.
I'll let you all know when the surgery is scheduled. Love you!
=================
Doctor (oncologist), bless his sweet adorable heart, thinks I can be all done with it all before Thanksgiving. That would certainly be reason to be thankful. When I saw him last friday, I was very stressed; coming to the end of one phase forces me to consider the ramifications of the next phase. He let me cry on his shoulder for a bit, and then when he finally made me smile he said, "there's the Shelliann I know...". Are oncologists extra nice? Not many doctors are as kind, warm and compassionate as this man.
I had another mammogram and ultrasound done last week. The radiologist, the oncologist and the surgeon all said there was definite change / shrinkage. The surgeon's office said there was a reduction in the number of calcification spots. The oncologist seemed to think all would be fine for the planned lumpectomy. The surgeon's nurse was more vague. I'm very concerned about how much breast I will lose and how much external accessory, if any, i.e. the nippular area, I will lose. I guess that is my biggest fear. I know in the grand scheme of surviving cancer, it's a small price to pay, but it's not one that I want to pay, and I do have reasons, besides vanity. The oncologist didn't think I would have to lose the nipple, but those calcification spots are what concern me. He said they are part of the tumor, yet they are farther forward that the main mass that we have been monitoring.
I don't have too long to fret and wonder; I have an appt w/ the surgeon on September 1st. I will know for sure after I see him. I go from him to an appt w/ the oncologist, and depending on what the surgeon says I guess, we may do another treatment of Taxotere that day, to preserve what shrinkage we have achieved, since surgery will likely be another 2-3 wks after that. If the surgeon says I have to lose a lot, or have to lose the nipple area, then screw the Taxotere, cuz I'm sick of being sick. And there will be a lot of tears that day.
Enough contemplation of THAT before I make myself cry!! Just keep telling myself, I'll probably get Demerol in the hospital...If it have a lot to adjust to after surgery, maybe a few days on a controlled substance will give my sub-concious time to adjust while I float in the black, dreamless vacation of sleep that is Demerol....shhhh, don't tell the doctors I like it that much or they probably won't give it to me! And actually, being laid up on disability sounds like a good break from my stressful boss right now too!
So much to look forward to! haha. Love you all, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. OH, I almost forgot, when we switched drugs, my hair started coming back. Unfortunately so did the facial hair, and I am quite fuzzy. But my hair on my head is about 1/2 inch long I'd say, for the most part, started as pale white and soft, but it's starting to come in dark as well. The lady at the health food store recommended rinsing w/ a tea made of stinging nettle. Supposed to help w/ the growth and help it not come in gray. She said someone there at their store has used it, so that's what I am doing. Also a supplement containing horsetail (the herb, not the animal's appendage). In a few weeks, I'm thinking it might be in enough to go w/ out the wig, which is hotter now that the hair is coming in.
I'll let you all know when the surgery is scheduled. Love you!
=================
Friday, August 11, 2006 - Replies
Dear Shelli,
I'm so glad that you are nearing the end of the ordeal. I hope the surgery is soon. Often thinking about something is worse than actually doing it. It sounds like you have coped better than most. You have been amazing. It is depressing to be so weak for so long. I think you should have been a writer. Your letters are so clever. I am amazed at your ability to express yourself so well. Hang in there, You are in our prayers.
I love you. Gaile
====================
Dear Gaile,
It was good to have an email from you when I got here today! Thanks!
I have been sick all last week and all weekend...chemo and the neulasta shot, the stress of the flooring thing triggered the fibromyalgia aching stuff, then I caught a cold from someone here at work. So I went to my regular doctor this morning, sinusitis he said, and I got something for my eyelids too, which have been just making me crazy...he said I have an infection there too. So I'm on antibiotics and he gave me a cortisone shot, and got drops and cream for my eyes. GEEZ...almost $100 later between copay, prescriptions and OTC Musinex...ouch. But I couldn't risk delaying chemo for being sick.
I've always fancied writing to be one of my strongest suits. Thank you for the compliment. I've been trying and trying to convince Brad how important it is to be able to express yourself clearly in writing; it's hard for him (actually I think the hard part for him is getting it from his head to his fingers and out the end of the pencil...he has the vocabulary and thoughts to be a good writer). Of all the things I learned in high school and college, writing has served me the best in life.
I'm so glad that you are nearing the end of the ordeal. I hope the surgery is soon. Often thinking about something is worse than actually doing it. It sounds like you have coped better than most. You have been amazing. It is depressing to be so weak for so long. I think you should have been a writer. Your letters are so clever. I am amazed at your ability to express yourself so well. Hang in there, You are in our prayers.
I love you. Gaile
====================
Dear Gaile,
It was good to have an email from you when I got here today! Thanks!
I have been sick all last week and all weekend...chemo and the neulasta shot, the stress of the flooring thing triggered the fibromyalgia aching stuff, then I caught a cold from someone here at work. So I went to my regular doctor this morning, sinusitis he said, and I got something for my eyelids too, which have been just making me crazy...he said I have an infection there too. So I'm on antibiotics and he gave me a cortisone shot, and got drops and cream for my eyes. GEEZ...almost $100 later between copay, prescriptions and OTC Musinex...ouch. But I couldn't risk delaying chemo for being sick.
I've always fancied writing to be one of my strongest suits. Thank you for the compliment. I've been trying and trying to convince Brad how important it is to be able to express yourself clearly in writing; it's hard for him (actually I think the hard part for him is getting it from his head to his fingers and out the end of the pencil...he has the vocabulary and thoughts to be a good writer). Of all the things I learned in high school and college, writing has served me the best in life.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Well, we're nearing the light at the end of the tunnel…unfortunately it's followed by another tunnel, but hey, I'm making progress.
August 18th is scheduled to be my last chemo treatment. 4 days after my 42nd birthday. The new chemo drug, Taxotere, has had far better results than did the Adriamyacin and Cytoxin. (Doesn't that just SCREAM poison? CyTOXIN…) I am scheduled to see the surgeon on September 1st, and his nurse told me that he usually schedules surgery 2-3 weeks after the appt. I'm a little concerned with the extended amount of time between the surgery and the last treatment. I will discuss it with Dr. (oncologist) on the 18th. As he explained to me before, about two weeks or so after a treatment, the tumor goes back into the growth cycle, slowly, but if I wait a month after the last treatment until surgery, seems to me that some of the shrinkage from that treatment will be negated. I'd rather do another treatment and keep that sucker down! We'll see what the good doctor has to say about it.
It has taken me longer this time it seems to bounce back after the treatment. I was home sick Monday and Tuesday, but here it is Friday and I still feel pretty crappy. Achy, flu-ey, tired…and I haven't been sleeping well. Last night it took Hydrocodone, Benadryl AND Zanax to get me through the night. (not all at once…calm down…) Part of it is the stress of this whole tile installation ordeal (long story) and the stress and upset is making me sick; the ol' fibromyalgia thing, and keeping me from getting over the treatment I think. I'm starting to feel a little better now, approaching the noon hour, than I did even this morning. That's a good thing, since Brad needs to go school shopping Saturday.
Nothing else new for me. Other than my every-other-week appts w/ Dr. So-CUTE, my life is incredibly boring. Unless you find stress exciting, in which case, have I got a flooring company for you!
Thanks for all your love and prayers,
Love you all,
-
August 18th is scheduled to be my last chemo treatment. 4 days after my 42nd birthday. The new chemo drug, Taxotere, has had far better results than did the Adriamyacin and Cytoxin. (Doesn't that just SCREAM poison? CyTOXIN…) I am scheduled to see the surgeon on September 1st, and his nurse told me that he usually schedules surgery 2-3 weeks after the appt. I'm a little concerned with the extended amount of time between the surgery and the last treatment. I will discuss it with Dr. (oncologist) on the 18th. As he explained to me before, about two weeks or so after a treatment, the tumor goes back into the growth cycle, slowly, but if I wait a month after the last treatment until surgery, seems to me that some of the shrinkage from that treatment will be negated. I'd rather do another treatment and keep that sucker down! We'll see what the good doctor has to say about it.
It has taken me longer this time it seems to bounce back after the treatment. I was home sick Monday and Tuesday, but here it is Friday and I still feel pretty crappy. Achy, flu-ey, tired…and I haven't been sleeping well. Last night it took Hydrocodone, Benadryl AND Zanax to get me through the night. (not all at once…calm down…) Part of it is the stress of this whole tile installation ordeal (long story) and the stress and upset is making me sick; the ol' fibromyalgia thing, and keeping me from getting over the treatment I think. I'm starting to feel a little better now, approaching the noon hour, than I did even this morning. That's a good thing, since Brad needs to go school shopping Saturday.
Nothing else new for me. Other than my every-other-week appts w/ Dr. So-CUTE, my life is incredibly boring. Unless you find stress exciting, in which case, have I got a flooring company for you!
Thanks for all your love and prayers,
Love you all,
-
Monday, July 31, 2006
From my cousin Anita, the oncology nurse:
I was wondering how your treatments are going?
Hope all is going well!!
Love Ya, Anita
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hi Anita!
Going pretty well. I did my second treatment of Taxotere aweek ago, and after just the first treatment the doctor found there was considerable change in the mass. That's good news...the A/C didn't do much of anything the whole time, and the Taxotere has done more in just the two I've done. I have my 3rd this Friday. The Taxotere is easier to tolerate than the A/C, though I am pretty tired and I get achy some (still taking the Neulasta too), but not the entire two weeks, just for a few days, after the Decadron wears off. The nurse suggested Glutamine powder, 10 grams, three times a day, for five days starting 24 hrs after treatment. I wasn't able to get it ALL down because it really doesn't dissolve very well so it's gritty. Yuck. But it did seem to help a bit w/ the aching and with my stomach/bowels. I'll try again after this next treatment. My spirits are up more again, my bad days were really only Monday-Wednesday following the treatment, and that was mostly exhaustion this time. Thanks for checking on me! I appreciate it. Thank you for your insight with this.
I was wondering how your treatments are going?
Hope all is going well!!
Love Ya, Anita
++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Hi Anita!
Going pretty well. I did my second treatment of Taxotere aweek ago, and after just the first treatment the doctor found there was considerable change in the mass. That's good news...the A/C didn't do much of anything the whole time, and the Taxotere has done more in just the two I've done. I have my 3rd this Friday. The Taxotere is easier to tolerate than the A/C, though I am pretty tired and I get achy some (still taking the Neulasta too), but not the entire two weeks, just for a few days, after the Decadron wears off. The nurse suggested Glutamine powder, 10 grams, three times a day, for five days starting 24 hrs after treatment. I wasn't able to get it ALL down because it really doesn't dissolve very well so it's gritty. Yuck. But it did seem to help a bit w/ the aching and with my stomach/bowels. I'll try again after this next treatment. My spirits are up more again, my bad days were really only Monday-Wednesday following the treatment, and that was mostly exhaustion this time. Thanks for checking on me! I appreciate it. Thank you for your insight with this.
Thursday, July 13, 2006
A friend in my company said to me in an email today, "It sucks to have to feel like super crap to get healthy again." So, if someone could design me a nice S.C. logo, that will be my new super-hero alter-ego...SuperCrap. I have definitely had a couple days this week where that applies. Thank goodness for Vicodin.
The new treatment, Taxotere, makes me feel more fatigued, and over-all achy, like the flu, on top of the bone achiness from the Neulasta shot. I still can't eat anything but rice, potatoes and plain bread, oh and grits - that was a treat - or else everything turns to hot acid-covered shards of glass before exiting my body. At least that's what it feels like. Today I feel better than I have since the treatment Friday. Maybe the worse is over until the next one.
Attached are pics of the new rug. I couldn't take it any longer, and saw some women at chemo last week with very nice wigs, so I decided to go for it. I'm glad I did; wish I'd done it sooner. I feel so much better about how I look, feel more normal again.
I missed church a week ago Sunday; I guess I needed the rest because I kept falling asleep. Then I found out later that all the women had worn hats that week in support of me!! Some of them did it again this week, and I was wearing the new hair instead of a hat, but it was so sweet of them! And my home teacher's wife donated about 12'' of hair to Locks of Love this past weekend, in honor of me she said.
That's about all the news that's new for now. I'll pester the doctor again about details when I see him. He does want me to do radiation, and his reasoning was pretty good, and said that when he sends me to the radiologist he can explain it even better. He had a cute analogy about ants in the kitchen and spraying all around after they are gone...something like that. My new "worry" is how the surgeon will know what is where, and what about the little spots that were on my mamogram...Dr. said they don't always do new scans, but that seems silly to me. He thinks that some of the mass that seems to be changing from week to week, bigger, smaller, different, may be some fibroid tissue as well. WELL how will the surgeon know??? Last time I took a list. He is good about explaining things to me and SO DARN CUTE! At least there's that...haha.
Love you all,
The new treatment, Taxotere, makes me feel more fatigued, and over-all achy, like the flu, on top of the bone achiness from the Neulasta shot. I still can't eat anything but rice, potatoes and plain bread, oh and grits - that was a treat - or else everything turns to hot acid-covered shards of glass before exiting my body. At least that's what it feels like. Today I feel better than I have since the treatment Friday. Maybe the worse is over until the next one.
Attached are pics of the new rug. I couldn't take it any longer, and saw some women at chemo last week with very nice wigs, so I decided to go for it. I'm glad I did; wish I'd done it sooner. I feel so much better about how I look, feel more normal again.
I missed church a week ago Sunday; I guess I needed the rest because I kept falling asleep. Then I found out later that all the women had worn hats that week in support of me!! Some of them did it again this week, and I was wearing the new hair instead of a hat, but it was so sweet of them! And my home teacher's wife donated about 12'' of hair to Locks of Love this past weekend, in honor of me she said.
That's about all the news that's new for now. I'll pester the doctor again about details when I see him. He does want me to do radiation, and his reasoning was pretty good, and said that when he sends me to the radiologist he can explain it even better. He had a cute analogy about ants in the kitchen and spraying all around after they are gone...something like that. My new "worry" is how the surgeon will know what is where, and what about the little spots that were on my mamogram...Dr. said they don't always do new scans, but that seems silly to me. He thinks that some of the mass that seems to be changing from week to week, bigger, smaller, different, may be some fibroid tissue as well. WELL how will the surgeon know??? Last time I took a list. He is good about explaining things to me and SO DARN CUTE! At least there's that...haha.
Love you all,
Thursday, July 6, 2006
I'm so tired of hats and such. I'm ready to have hair again, but I guess I'm just going to have to wait on that. My eyes water a lot and my make-up rubs off. And if I wear eye shadow or mascara, I get swollen eye lids, like sties (sp). Ugh. The no hair thing and the hat thing would be tons better if I could wear make-up!!!
Treatment tomorrow, starting the Taxotere. Nurse says mostly people just report more fatigue. The drug that goes with it, Decadron, they say can make you feel wired, but I took it 3 hrs ago and don't really feel "wired". Was hoping for "so hyper that I go home and organize for 3 hrs".
Brad has been at his dad's since last Tuesday and I'm getting a little lonely. He decided to stay until Sunday evening. Funny how they drive you nuts when they're home, but how much you miss them when they aren't around.
=============
Hi Anita,
I wanted to get your input on some things. I have to do another course of chemo, and the doctor is putting me on Taxotere, w/ Decadron. The reading I've done makes them both sound dreadful. I get the feeling I should anticipate being a lot sicker than I have been w/ the A/C. Decadron sounds pretty bad itself, so Taxotere must be pretty bad to warrant it!
I wanted to get your take on Taxotere and Decadron. Do you see patients being sicker on this? Am I crazy to try to work through this? The nurses keep asking if I need to go on disability, but I don't know. I'm fine (fine enough to work) one week and sick the next.
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(from Anita)
In my experience the Taxotere is much easier to tolerate than theAdriamycin and Cytoxan. The side effects I see are mainly lowering blood counts and fatigue. Some patients may have some muscle aching a few days after the treatment but it only lasts a few days. Most people tolerate this chemo without nausea. The most important thing is to drink plenty of fluids. The decadron is only to help prevent swelling and seems to be tolerated pretty well. The main side effects I see with it are increased appetite and nervousness. Just plan your housework so you can get it all done after the decadron. Most of the patients feel this chemo is much easier to tolerate. You should be able to work if that is what you want to do.
Love You, Anita
Treatment tomorrow, starting the Taxotere. Nurse says mostly people just report more fatigue. The drug that goes with it, Decadron, they say can make you feel wired, but I took it 3 hrs ago and don't really feel "wired". Was hoping for "so hyper that I go home and organize for 3 hrs".
Brad has been at his dad's since last Tuesday and I'm getting a little lonely. He decided to stay until Sunday evening. Funny how they drive you nuts when they're home, but how much you miss them when they aren't around.
=============
Hi Anita,
I wanted to get your input on some things. I have to do another course of chemo, and the doctor is putting me on Taxotere, w/ Decadron. The reading I've done makes them both sound dreadful. I get the feeling I should anticipate being a lot sicker than I have been w/ the A/C. Decadron sounds pretty bad itself, so Taxotere must be pretty bad to warrant it!
I wanted to get your take on Taxotere and Decadron. Do you see patients being sicker on this? Am I crazy to try to work through this? The nurses keep asking if I need to go on disability, but I don't know. I'm fine (fine enough to work) one week and sick the next.
----------
(from Anita)
In my experience the Taxotere is much easier to tolerate than theAdriamycin and Cytoxan. The side effects I see are mainly lowering blood counts and fatigue. Some patients may have some muscle aching a few days after the treatment but it only lasts a few days. Most people tolerate this chemo without nausea. The most important thing is to drink plenty of fluids. The decadron is only to help prevent swelling and seems to be tolerated pretty well. The main side effects I see with it are increased appetite and nervousness. Just plan your housework so you can get it all done after the decadron. Most of the patients feel this chemo is much easier to tolerate. You should be able to work if that is what you want to do.
Love You, Anita
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
I'm feeling better today than I anticipated. So far I hadn't made it to work the day after a shot, but, I made it today. Late, but I made it.
The difference between Mom's and mine is that I want to keep my breast, and also that hers was the fast growing type, whereas mine is slow. The chemo first is to shrink it as much as possible, to lose as little breast as possible in the surgery. I think Mom's was at a critical phase and she didn't have the luxury of time. Apparently, chemo first isn't all that common.
I love my doctor. He's young and brilliant and not afraid to step outside tradition. I was going to write more, but I'm too tired to think now. I have pondered recently the trials over the course of my life...I look at it as having two choices; ask why me, and wonder how I am so deserving of bad things, or to acknowledge that I must have know what I was signing up for when I "shouted for joy" at the opportunity to come to earth. It hasn't been smooth, and I have not been a consistant performer, but I have to trust in my pre-mortal self who knew what she was getting into, and knew that it was necessary. I don't fully understand why it is necessary, and why some people find it in themselves to be thankful for trials, but I'm trying.
The hotter the fire, the finer the steel, eh?
I figure I can't possibly be finished w/ trials at the mere age of 41...so it's a given I'll survive this one!
Love you!
====================
Thursday, June 29, 2006
I'm feeling discouraged again, because the mass seems to change all thetime. It can't just be my imagination. I feel like nothing is workingand this cancer is growing in my body. I stayed home yesterday, achy allover, temp slightly elevated, but not much (although I rarely havefever, so 1/2 a degree is something for me), everything I eat gives mediahrea. And I have a bleeding hemorroid. So the whole eating,digesting, eliminating process is exhausting. Today I ate yogurt and abanana, and I'm feeling like it is soon for the komode. I criedyesterday at home, feeling so overwhelmed w/ being sick and not seeingthe progress I want to see.
==============
The difference between Mom's and mine is that I want to keep my breast, and also that hers was the fast growing type, whereas mine is slow. The chemo first is to shrink it as much as possible, to lose as little breast as possible in the surgery. I think Mom's was at a critical phase and she didn't have the luxury of time. Apparently, chemo first isn't all that common.
I love my doctor. He's young and brilliant and not afraid to step outside tradition. I was going to write more, but I'm too tired to think now. I have pondered recently the trials over the course of my life...I look at it as having two choices; ask why me, and wonder how I am so deserving of bad things, or to acknowledge that I must have know what I was signing up for when I "shouted for joy" at the opportunity to come to earth. It hasn't been smooth, and I have not been a consistant performer, but I have to trust in my pre-mortal self who knew what she was getting into, and knew that it was necessary. I don't fully understand why it is necessary, and why some people find it in themselves to be thankful for trials, but I'm trying.
The hotter the fire, the finer the steel, eh?
I figure I can't possibly be finished w/ trials at the mere age of 41...so it's a given I'll survive this one!
Love you!
====================
Thursday, June 29, 2006
I'm feeling discouraged again, because the mass seems to change all thetime. It can't just be my imagination. I feel like nothing is workingand this cancer is growing in my body. I stayed home yesterday, achy allover, temp slightly elevated, but not much (although I rarely havefever, so 1/2 a degree is something for me), everything I eat gives mediahrea. And I have a bleeding hemorroid. So the whole eating,digesting, eliminating process is exhausting. Today I ate yogurt and abanana, and I'm feeling like it is soon for the komode. I criedyesterday at home, feeling so overwhelmed w/ being sick and not seeingthe progress I want to see.
==============
Monday, June 26, 2006 - Replies
What a bummer! It would be easy to get down when you think you are at the end of a road only to find it going on and on and on..... Gosh, Iwas sure hoping you were on the last treatment. Take courage, "this too shall pass." You may be on disability yet. With your body already suppressed, the next four may take you even lower. Please email Anita and let her know. If you have lost her email, let me know. It makes you wonder about the surgeon extracting Willa's without chemo doesn'tit? Our prayers are with you and for you. It seems like this is going to last forever, but it won't. You want to do it right. It's better to endure a little more than to have to be going through it again in a few years.
I hope Brad is helping you around the house. Fifteen is such an ugly age. They are like two year olds thinking the whole world revolves around them and if it doesn't, it should! Sixteen is better, hang on!
I love you and admire your courage even if you don't like doing it. It's what we do, not how we feel about it that seems to make the most difference in our lives. I remember a quote from David O McKay that says something like: It's doing what you should do, not what you want to do that makes you happy in the long run. At times like this in my life when the pain and discomfort are so unbearable that I have come to appreciate the Savior and what he suffered for us. I can't even imagine how he bore so much and survived. I think D&C 19 suggests exquisite pain----how hard to bear, ye know not. We think of the pain of sin, but add to that the emotional pain of divorce, betrayal, etc and then add all the physical pain that a fallen world affords and it is inconcieveable that he loved us enough to endure it.
I remember a friend going through a divorce in her sixties. Angry, bitter and not dealing with reality she cried about the unfairness of life. I offered her the only comfort I have ever had access to and that is the Savior. She retorted, "Yes, but He never suffered a divorce, He doesn't know how painful this is." As soon as she said it, she contritely said, "Oh, I guess he does." Ultimately for me the Gospel is the answer to all questions. It gives me purpose and hope and comfort. I know the Savior loves us in such apersonal way. He weeps to know what you are going through and loves you. He won't take the pain and discomfort away, but he will put his arms around you and pour out his love for you. Everything important I haveever learned in life, I have learned through pain or trial. When life is easy, we glide and procrastinate the important things in our lives. Pain is often the Lord's way of getting our attention. I know more than most how much He loves you. I have had witness of that on several occassions in your life. Each time you stray, he reaches out and pulls you back. He wants you to come back to Him a well-loved daughter.
I love you, Gaile
I hope Brad is helping you around the house. Fifteen is such an ugly age. They are like two year olds thinking the whole world revolves around them and if it doesn't, it should! Sixteen is better, hang on!
I love you and admire your courage even if you don't like doing it. It's what we do, not how we feel about it that seems to make the most difference in our lives. I remember a quote from David O McKay that says something like: It's doing what you should do, not what you want to do that makes you happy in the long run. At times like this in my life when the pain and discomfort are so unbearable that I have come to appreciate the Savior and what he suffered for us. I can't even imagine how he bore so much and survived. I think D&C 19 suggests exquisite pain----how hard to bear, ye know not. We think of the pain of sin, but add to that the emotional pain of divorce, betrayal, etc and then add all the physical pain that a fallen world affords and it is inconcieveable that he loved us enough to endure it.
I remember a friend going through a divorce in her sixties. Angry, bitter and not dealing with reality she cried about the unfairness of life. I offered her the only comfort I have ever had access to and that is the Savior. She retorted, "Yes, but He never suffered a divorce, He doesn't know how painful this is." As soon as she said it, she contritely said, "Oh, I guess he does." Ultimately for me the Gospel is the answer to all questions. It gives me purpose and hope and comfort. I know the Savior loves us in such apersonal way. He weeps to know what you are going through and loves you. He won't take the pain and discomfort away, but he will put his arms around you and pour out his love for you. Everything important I haveever learned in life, I have learned through pain or trial. When life is easy, we glide and procrastinate the important things in our lives. Pain is often the Lord's way of getting our attention. I know more than most how much He loves you. I have had witness of that on several occassions in your life. Each time you stray, he reaches out and pulls you back. He wants you to come back to Him a well-loved daughter.
I love you, Gaile
Monday, June 26, 2006
Hi all,
The latest from the doctor: I had my fourth treatment of A/C this past Friday, but he's not ready to send me to the surgeon yet, not enough change in the size of the mass. He's putting me on a different chemo drug, Taxotere, again every two weeks, I think four treatments. I still have to do the Neulasta shots, too. There was change in the size when he measured it, just not enough. He also said that my blood work looks really good as far as my cell counts staying up and such.
You do what you have to do, but I'm afraid this week I am not feeling chipper and perky about it. I'm a little bummed over MORE chemo, but I can't really afford to be depressed; that just makes me sicker. Today, of course, I feel crappy, and tomorrow, after the shot, I'll feel worse, so I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, as they say.
I'm sick of the hats, I'm sick of the scarves, I'm sick of putting so much thought into what to wear and put on my head. I'm feeling a bit whiny, and it looks like I'm back to not eating anything but yogurt and bananas for a few days. Looking forward to Bethanee and Natalee coming down. And someone fill me in: is Bonnie in town right now? She promised to shine my head...
Love you all,
The latest from the doctor: I had my fourth treatment of A/C this past Friday, but he's not ready to send me to the surgeon yet, not enough change in the size of the mass. He's putting me on a different chemo drug, Taxotere, again every two weeks, I think four treatments. I still have to do the Neulasta shots, too. There was change in the size when he measured it, just not enough. He also said that my blood work looks really good as far as my cell counts staying up and such.
You do what you have to do, but I'm afraid this week I am not feeling chipper and perky about it. I'm a little bummed over MORE chemo, but I can't really afford to be depressed; that just makes me sicker. Today, of course, I feel crappy, and tomorrow, after the shot, I'll feel worse, so I'm just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, as they say.
I'm sick of the hats, I'm sick of the scarves, I'm sick of putting so much thought into what to wear and put on my head. I'm feeling a bit whiny, and it looks like I'm back to not eating anything but yogurt and bananas for a few days. Looking forward to Bethanee and Natalee coming down. And someone fill me in: is Bonnie in town right now? She promised to shine my head...
Love you all,
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Yep, one more, this Friday. It seems to me that there has been more change in the mass this past week, since the last one, so I am excitedf or the doctor to see. When I was in for my 3rd, there hadn't been much change. Some, by his measurements, but not as much as I thought there would be. So, I could be having surgery very soon. Last week I did not have such an upbeat attitude. I was sick all week, from Sunday afternoon through Saturday, missed three days of work, and was just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Work in general has been understanding. I do have FMLA papers on file.
My boss is difficult always, in subtle ways, and I think she is understanding of missed time only because she has to be. She is a person around whom the entire world revolves, and what is acceptable or unacceptable depends on whether or not it inconveniences or benefits her personally. Very egocentric. Always has to one-up people, whether it be illness, hardship, or good things...it's very tiresome, and she and I have butted heads many times. Currently I am in "shut up and put up" mode, because she tries to make everyone else around her look bad in order to make herself look better. I am not the only one who has issues w/ her, but I am the one who is in a position for her to have the most power over me. It is exhausting, and the idea of facing it sometimes makes me sicker than I am, and causes me to miss work. But I have to hang in there...I am here for at least another year because of my cancer and benefits, and until the market turns and there are more opportunities in the field again. Hopefully, in that time, I can keep my head down and there will be changes effected from other parties. It's really more stressful than the cancer.
There have been days when I would rather have had chemo again than come to work. It has gotten a little better in past week or so, but I don't have faith in it being a permanent change. Mom and I are a lot alike in ways I never fathomed before. We both have this need for things to be right and just, and have a hard time keeping our mouths shut about it. My doctor told me it's a manifestation of OCD.
Thank you for the compliments on my hair. It took me a long time to giveup the "big hair" look....haha. It looked cute short, though I missed the long curls. Don't know what I'll do when it grows back. Karri jested that we'll see what color my hair really is....I'm afraid it's going to grow back all gray and then I'll look my age...I still get guessed a few yrs younger than I really am. And YOU are a very handsome distinguished woman...you will look "good in the coffin" regardless of when you go. But I agree...95 holds no charm. I only want to be around as long as I can take care of myself too.
My boss is difficult always, in subtle ways, and I think she is understanding of missed time only because she has to be. She is a person around whom the entire world revolves, and what is acceptable or unacceptable depends on whether or not it inconveniences or benefits her personally. Very egocentric. Always has to one-up people, whether it be illness, hardship, or good things...it's very tiresome, and she and I have butted heads many times. Currently I am in "shut up and put up" mode, because she tries to make everyone else around her look bad in order to make herself look better. I am not the only one who has issues w/ her, but I am the one who is in a position for her to have the most power over me. It is exhausting, and the idea of facing it sometimes makes me sicker than I am, and causes me to miss work. But I have to hang in there...I am here for at least another year because of my cancer and benefits, and until the market turns and there are more opportunities in the field again. Hopefully, in that time, I can keep my head down and there will be changes effected from other parties. It's really more stressful than the cancer.
There have been days when I would rather have had chemo again than come to work. It has gotten a little better in past week or so, but I don't have faith in it being a permanent change. Mom and I are a lot alike in ways I never fathomed before. We both have this need for things to be right and just, and have a hard time keeping our mouths shut about it. My doctor told me it's a manifestation of OCD.
Thank you for the compliments on my hair. It took me a long time to giveup the "big hair" look....haha. It looked cute short, though I missed the long curls. Don't know what I'll do when it grows back. Karri jested that we'll see what color my hair really is....I'm afraid it's going to grow back all gray and then I'll look my age...I still get guessed a few yrs younger than I really am. And YOU are a very handsome distinguished woman...you will look "good in the coffin" regardless of when you go. But I agree...95 holds no charm. I only want to be around as long as I can take care of myself too.
Monday, June 12, 2006 - Replies
Wow! Only one more treatment. I know it's been hard, but light at theend of the tunnel. Nothing lasts forever. Sometimes in my life that'swhat I have held on to. "This too shall pass!" I love your upbeatattitude. I am so grateful that work has been so supportive. I wish you could just take the time off. Too bad none of us are rich and couldjust support you for awhile. I wish I could. Sometimes, we handle things better if we have to keep going and can't just give in.
I didn't know you had cut your hair over the years. I always see youwith long red hair. You are so good with hair. Your hair is always so beautifully cared for. Well, my love to you. You are in our prayers. Please keep me posted with your progress.
Love, Gaile
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I didn't know you had cut your hair over the years. I always see youwith long red hair. You are so good with hair. Your hair is always so beautifully cared for. Well, my love to you. You are in our prayers. Please keep me posted with your progress.
Love, Gaile
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Monday, June 12, 2006
Hi all,
Had round three this past Friday. Made it to the ball game (seeattached; me, Mom and Brad. I'm the one w/ no hair) Friday night (company sponsored, annual thing), but by Sunday midday was not feeling too well. Feel rotten today too. Have to get the Neulasta this afternoon, and if it makes me more sick on top of how I feel today...I am SO staying in bed tomorrow!! Friday night I ate ball park food, and now today all I want is hash browns. Go figure. This round has definitely affected me more than round 2 did, although all I wanted for 3 days last time was potatoes too.
Doctor said there was a slight shrinkage in the mass (3.8 to 3.1 cm) I guess that's a lot, from one direction at least. He explained though that it doesn't just shrink, it sorta breaks up into smaller bits, like space invaders I guess. He said if we don't get as much result from the a/c (adriamiacin/cytoxin) as we want, that there is another one we can do also before going to surgery. I was starting to panic that nothing was happening. Today is Brad's birthday, #15. I can't believe it.
More later.
Had round three this past Friday. Made it to the ball game (seeattached; me, Mom and Brad. I'm the one w/ no hair) Friday night (company sponsored, annual thing), but by Sunday midday was not feeling too well. Feel rotten today too. Have to get the Neulasta this afternoon, and if it makes me more sick on top of how I feel today...I am SO staying in bed tomorrow!! Friday night I ate ball park food, and now today all I want is hash browns. Go figure. This round has definitely affected me more than round 2 did, although all I wanted for 3 days last time was potatoes too.
Doctor said there was a slight shrinkage in the mass (3.8 to 3.1 cm) I guess that's a lot, from one direction at least. He explained though that it doesn't just shrink, it sorta breaks up into smaller bits, like space invaders I guess. He said if we don't get as much result from the a/c (adriamiacin/cytoxin) as we want, that there is another one we can do also before going to surgery. I was starting to panic that nothing was happening. Today is Brad's birthday, #15. I can't believe it.
More later.
Monday, June 5, 2006
Thank you, it means a lot to hear from you. I am so humbled by all the prayers being offered in my behalf. A woman I didn't even know came up to me after R.S. yesterday and told me she'd been praying for me.
Surgery isn't scheduled yet. The oncologist is waiting to see progress. Could be less than 4 treatments, could be more. Then he'll send me back to the surgeon. I have a lot of questions for him this time. My 3rd treatment is this Friday. I am surprised at how well I am doing. Other than a few days, I've only had fatigue to deal with. Sometimes severe fatigue, exhaustion, but I haven't been pukey at all. One lady said to me yesterday that she didn't know I was going through all this, had just thought I was being stylish w/ the head wear...haha.
The biggest difficulty is work; I work for someone who is much like Ginger with whom Mom works, and a little like Me-Ma in some regards...has to be the center of attention, has to be the sickest, if i'm out sick one day, next day she has a migrane, etc etc...she can't stand someone else getting attention. And she makes my life difficult, very stressful. If I weren't going through cancer and chemo, (and if the market were different), I'd have my resume out there right now.
I shared my experience w/ Mom shaving my head in R.S. yesterday, and a lot of people were very touched as well. It meant a lot to me. She gave me a little jeweled "pink ribbon" pin, too. A woman came into the pharmacy wearing it and Mom admired her pin, said she was looking for one for her daughter, etc. The woman took it off and told her to give it to me. Isn't that sweet!!?? People can be so nice.
I'll let you know what the doctor says Friday.
Love you!
Surgery isn't scheduled yet. The oncologist is waiting to see progress. Could be less than 4 treatments, could be more. Then he'll send me back to the surgeon. I have a lot of questions for him this time. My 3rd treatment is this Friday. I am surprised at how well I am doing. Other than a few days, I've only had fatigue to deal with. Sometimes severe fatigue, exhaustion, but I haven't been pukey at all. One lady said to me yesterday that she didn't know I was going through all this, had just thought I was being stylish w/ the head wear...haha.
The biggest difficulty is work; I work for someone who is much like Ginger with whom Mom works, and a little like Me-Ma in some regards...has to be the center of attention, has to be the sickest, if i'm out sick one day, next day she has a migrane, etc etc...she can't stand someone else getting attention. And she makes my life difficult, very stressful. If I weren't going through cancer and chemo, (and if the market were different), I'd have my resume out there right now.
I shared my experience w/ Mom shaving my head in R.S. yesterday, and a lot of people were very touched as well. It meant a lot to me. She gave me a little jeweled "pink ribbon" pin, too. A woman came into the pharmacy wearing it and Mom admired her pin, said she was looking for one for her daughter, etc. The woman took it off and told her to give it to me. Isn't that sweet!!?? People can be so nice.
I'll let you know what the doctor says Friday.
Love you!
Friday, June 2, 2006 - I hear it's all the rage on the runways of Milan...
Yup, I am completely bald. As in "as a cueball". Freshly shaved and smooth as the proverbial baby's bottom.
Right on cue, day 14 of treatment, the hairs started to fall.
Day 15 it was like late Autumn in New England. I could run a comb through and it would look like I had a hair-piece attached to the comb. So, naturally, I obsessed. To keep myself from combing and combing and creating this giant hair ball of my coifs on the bathroom floor, I went Saturday morning to get it cut short. My theory was that short hair falling out would be less messy and less traumatic. I was half right. It was slightly less traumatic, but it was itchy and messy just the same.
By Sunday afternoon, the back where it was the shortest was driving me nuts. I wore a scarf to church, with what I still had on top sticking up, and the back underneath the scarf was itching like crazy. If I scratched it, I then had hair all over my shoulders. I went home and shaved the back w/ the clippers. Yes, myself. Then looked in the mirror and saw how crooked it was across…
I packed up the clippers, Brad's shaving cream and a couple of fresh razors and went to Mom's house. She shaved it across evenly, just the bottom half. It felt much better.
In the middle of the night I awoke and sat at the bathroom sink obsessively combing hair out. When I got up the next morning, I accidentally looked in the mirror as I was getting in the shower. It was soooo pathetic. I looked like a cancer victim. Haha. A few dead nasty looking sad hairs, scalp showing through…it made me cry. I called Mom on the phone, crying, and asked her to shave it all.
I was amazed that I went from starting to fall out to shaving it in the course of 5 days.
Mom had a houseful, (this was on Memorial Day), so she told the kids what we were doing and she and I went to her room and closed the door. I strategically avoided mirrorage as I perched on the stool w/ a towel around my shoulders in her bathroom doorway. She shaved it with the clippers first, then gave me the full barbershop treatment w/ a hot towel first before lathering me up for the razor.
Mom and I have established an adult relastionship. It is not overtly affectionate or demonstrative, or even verbally affectionate. She shows that to the grandkids, and I take that as vicariously for me as well. But Monday, as I sat on that stool, she so gently lathered up my head, talking through it soothingly about getting the hairs softened up, being careful w/ the razor, how I'd feel better getting it all off…powdered and brushed me off when she was finished, smoothed it with her hands. It was so nuturing and caring, I was almost in tears from that alone. I felt like her baby again, being diapered and powdered and put down for a nap, and I lay on her bed for a while afterward in the quiet and cool. As I was leaving later, she said as I walked down the driveway that I was beautiful no matter what was on my head. I want to record this in the journal I got from the class I attended last week, as it was one of those monumental rare touching events. I can't say this all to her, because that's just not how we are. But I think I will get a card or something this weekend for her.
Thank you Karri also for telling me my features were too pretty to look like un-feminine with my short hair cut on Saturday. :-)
Chemo this Friday (5/23) went fine. I wasn't sick from it, just very very tired. Thank goodness I had the long weekend, not only for dealing w/ the hair trauma, but for extra rest. I tire easily, get short of breath and winded easily, break out in a cold sweat just from a 45 minute shopping trip to Walmart, and am generally just physically exhausted. The Neulasta shot didn't affect me as much this time (Tuesday, because of the holiday) but I stayed home Wednesday feeling like something was trying to come on, a cold or something, and getting extra rest. I'll probably feel better again next week, just in time for Round Three. Stay tuned….
Love you all,
=================
Right on cue, day 14 of treatment, the hairs started to fall.
Day 15 it was like late Autumn in New England. I could run a comb through and it would look like I had a hair-piece attached to the comb. So, naturally, I obsessed. To keep myself from combing and combing and creating this giant hair ball of my coifs on the bathroom floor, I went Saturday morning to get it cut short. My theory was that short hair falling out would be less messy and less traumatic. I was half right. It was slightly less traumatic, but it was itchy and messy just the same.
By Sunday afternoon, the back where it was the shortest was driving me nuts. I wore a scarf to church, with what I still had on top sticking up, and the back underneath the scarf was itching like crazy. If I scratched it, I then had hair all over my shoulders. I went home and shaved the back w/ the clippers. Yes, myself. Then looked in the mirror and saw how crooked it was across…
I packed up the clippers, Brad's shaving cream and a couple of fresh razors and went to Mom's house. She shaved it across evenly, just the bottom half. It felt much better.
In the middle of the night I awoke and sat at the bathroom sink obsessively combing hair out. When I got up the next morning, I accidentally looked in the mirror as I was getting in the shower. It was soooo pathetic. I looked like a cancer victim. Haha. A few dead nasty looking sad hairs, scalp showing through…it made me cry. I called Mom on the phone, crying, and asked her to shave it all.
I was amazed that I went from starting to fall out to shaving it in the course of 5 days.
Mom had a houseful, (this was on Memorial Day), so she told the kids what we were doing and she and I went to her room and closed the door. I strategically avoided mirrorage as I perched on the stool w/ a towel around my shoulders in her bathroom doorway. She shaved it with the clippers first, then gave me the full barbershop treatment w/ a hot towel first before lathering me up for the razor.
Mom and I have established an adult relastionship. It is not overtly affectionate or demonstrative, or even verbally affectionate. She shows that to the grandkids, and I take that as vicariously for me as well. But Monday, as I sat on that stool, she so gently lathered up my head, talking through it soothingly about getting the hairs softened up, being careful w/ the razor, how I'd feel better getting it all off…powdered and brushed me off when she was finished, smoothed it with her hands. It was so nuturing and caring, I was almost in tears from that alone. I felt like her baby again, being diapered and powdered and put down for a nap, and I lay on her bed for a while afterward in the quiet and cool. As I was leaving later, she said as I walked down the driveway that I was beautiful no matter what was on my head. I want to record this in the journal I got from the class I attended last week, as it was one of those monumental rare touching events. I can't say this all to her, because that's just not how we are. But I think I will get a card or something this weekend for her.
Thank you Karri also for telling me my features were too pretty to look like un-feminine with my short hair cut on Saturday. :-)
Chemo this Friday (5/23) went fine. I wasn't sick from it, just very very tired. Thank goodness I had the long weekend, not only for dealing w/ the hair trauma, but for extra rest. I tire easily, get short of breath and winded easily, break out in a cold sweat just from a 45 minute shopping trip to Walmart, and am generally just physically exhausted. The Neulasta shot didn't affect me as much this time (Tuesday, because of the holiday) but I stayed home Wednesday feeling like something was trying to come on, a cold or something, and getting extra rest. I'll probably feel better again next week, just in time for Round Three. Stay tuned….
Love you all,
=================
Friday, May 26, 2006
My hair is falling out in piles!! It stated a bit yesterday, and today...ugh...I wore a scarf around my head, cut the back shorter so it wouldn't hurt and sprayed the top really hard so it wouldn't move and fall out all over all day.
Randy thought I was kidding when I told him I might be bald by Tuesday...
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Randy thought I was kidding when I told him I might be bald by Tuesday...
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Thursday, May 25, 2006 - Replies
Thank you for both the message and the story, I loved it!!!!
Ok, now I kind of feel better, cuz, I thought the port looked awful red and swollen, but of course my Dr. degree is not quite up to date!!
Good Luck, you want to get this going and over!!!
Talk soon
Love
Terri
====================
Hey, Mom & Grandma sometimes trumps Dr....
====================
(From Terri's Sister)
I loved the story about the lady with three hairs...makes me realize I should NOT complain in the mornings when I have to mess with my head full of hair.
But am so glad that my sister could be some support to you and to the other lady who needed someone to boost her confidence. That Ter, she's a hair and makeup queen. Sometime you should have her tell you about some of the hair colors she did on me, her younger sister, in her days of 'learning the trade' of becoming a beautician.
Renee
==================
Ok, now I kind of feel better, cuz, I thought the port looked awful red and swollen, but of course my Dr. degree is not quite up to date!!
Good Luck, you want to get this going and over!!!
Talk soon
Love
Terri
====================
Hey, Mom & Grandma sometimes trumps Dr....
====================
(From Terri's Sister)
I loved the story about the lady with three hairs...makes me realize I should NOT complain in the mornings when I have to mess with my head full of hair.
But am so glad that my sister could be some support to you and to the other lady who needed someone to boost her confidence. That Ter, she's a hair and makeup queen. Sometime you should have her tell you about some of the hair colors she did on me, her younger sister, in her days of 'learning the trade' of becoming a beautician.
Renee
==================
The Power of a Positive Attitude
A story shared with me by D.J.:
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,
And noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today!"
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today!"
So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.
"So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is Everything!!!
There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror,
And noticed she had only three hairs on her head.
"Well," she said, "I think I'll braid my hair today!"
So she did and she had a wonderful day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head.
"H-M-M, " she said, "I think I'll part my hair down the middle today!"
So she did and she had a grand day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head.
"Well," she said, "Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.
"So she did and she had a fun, fun day.
The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head.
"YEA!" she exclaimed, "I don't have to fix my hair today!"
Attitude is Everything!!!
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Round Two Coming Up...
I attended the "Look Good, Feel Better" seminar offered by the Breast Cancer Society. Association. Whichever. My DEAR and TALENTED friend Terri attended with me. Terri is a former hairdresser and has graciously offered to be my wig advisor and stylist. The class didn't offer any ground-breaking make-up tips as far as I'm concerned, but ANYTHING with Terri there is fun, and we did get a cool bag w/ free product in it, some of it high-end stuff like Clinique and Este Lauder. Terri and I both decided, however, that there is always a reason for everything, and our reason for being there was for a woman named Kitty. She was there alone, so a told her I'd share my guest.
Kitty was to the stage where her hair had just started falling out in clumps. She was a shy and quiet woman, said she had never really been one for make-up. Terri helped her do her make-up in a tasteful and understated way that did brighten up her face. She said though her hair had faded w/ age, she was a natural red-head, so we talked her into trying on a perky red wig. It was SO good on her, perfect w/ her skin. It looked so great, a little brighter than what she would have gone with but I told her that if she colored her hair, this is what she'd go with. We talked her into to checking it out from the Association. (they let you check out wigs, scarves, hats; whatever they have).
I found a beautiful blue large scarf, with gold on it, and tied it on my head in turban fashion, with the ends twisted and wrapped around. Everyone thought I was very clever for knowing how to do that already. So, when I took it off, and Kitty was admiring it, I said, let's put it on you! I wrapped it on Kitty's head and her face just shined! It was a beautiful color for her coloring, and you could see she felt more comfortable in it. She cried a little and confessed she was still in denial, but I think we really helped her feel better. I gave her my business card and cell number. We talked her into checking the scarf out too, and she wore it home. It is a blessing to be put someplace to help another, and I'm thankful for that opportunity.
Today is day 14 since my initial chemo treatment, and, as if on cue, I have begun shedding. Just a little, but enough to let me know it's coming. I have picked out favorites among the hats and scarves Mom passed on to me, and have practiced wearing them a bit in the evenings. This is a point of entertainment for Brad when I do silly things with the one's I'm not crazy about.
When I went for my blood-draw today, the nurses thought my port site still looked too swollen and possibly a bit infected. They talked to the doctor later, as he was on rounds when I was in the this morning, and called in some antibiotics for me. Hopefully, thanks to the Neulasta, my bloodcount will still be fine and I can do my second treatment tomorrow as planned. I also see the doctor tomorrow. (cute doctor; wear makeup and nice clothes - haha) Mom has taken a floater holiday off so that she can take me.
Love you all!!
I attended the "Look Good, Feel Better" seminar offered by the Breast Cancer Society. Association. Whichever. My DEAR and TALENTED friend Terri attended with me. Terri is a former hairdresser and has graciously offered to be my wig advisor and stylist. The class didn't offer any ground-breaking make-up tips as far as I'm concerned, but ANYTHING with Terri there is fun, and we did get a cool bag w/ free product in it, some of it high-end stuff like Clinique and Este Lauder. Terri and I both decided, however, that there is always a reason for everything, and our reason for being there was for a woman named Kitty. She was there alone, so a told her I'd share my guest.
Kitty was to the stage where her hair had just started falling out in clumps. She was a shy and quiet woman, said she had never really been one for make-up. Terri helped her do her make-up in a tasteful and understated way that did brighten up her face. She said though her hair had faded w/ age, she was a natural red-head, so we talked her into trying on a perky red wig. It was SO good on her, perfect w/ her skin. It looked so great, a little brighter than what she would have gone with but I told her that if she colored her hair, this is what she'd go with. We talked her into to checking it out from the Association. (they let you check out wigs, scarves, hats; whatever they have).
I found a beautiful blue large scarf, with gold on it, and tied it on my head in turban fashion, with the ends twisted and wrapped around. Everyone thought I was very clever for knowing how to do that already. So, when I took it off, and Kitty was admiring it, I said, let's put it on you! I wrapped it on Kitty's head and her face just shined! It was a beautiful color for her coloring, and you could see she felt more comfortable in it. She cried a little and confessed she was still in denial, but I think we really helped her feel better. I gave her my business card and cell number. We talked her into checking the scarf out too, and she wore it home. It is a blessing to be put someplace to help another, and I'm thankful for that opportunity.
Today is day 14 since my initial chemo treatment, and, as if on cue, I have begun shedding. Just a little, but enough to let me know it's coming. I have picked out favorites among the hats and scarves Mom passed on to me, and have practiced wearing them a bit in the evenings. This is a point of entertainment for Brad when I do silly things with the one's I'm not crazy about.
When I went for my blood-draw today, the nurses thought my port site still looked too swollen and possibly a bit infected. They talked to the doctor later, as he was on rounds when I was in the this morning, and called in some antibiotics for me. Hopefully, thanks to the Neulasta, my bloodcount will still be fine and I can do my second treatment tomorrow as planned. I also see the doctor tomorrow. (cute doctor; wear makeup and nice clothes - haha) Mom has taken a floater holiday off so that she can take me.
Love you all!!
Thursday, May 4, 2006
Port Decision:
After vascillating today on the decision to have a port or not, I decided to have it. I talked to nurses at the oncologist and the surgeon, and just the discussion of I.V.'s made me begin to have that frantic, tearing-up feeling.
I have a very psycological reaction to I.V.'s, stemming back to the hospital when I was 6, with my eye surgeries. Ask Mom; she was with me when I had to get one as an adult for a procedure…I nearly got hysterical. The next time, I think Beth was with me, I did a little better but still cried. Last week when I had to have a thing left in for an hour during the muga scan, I cried even though it didn't hurt.
So even though, believe me, I considered "do I really want this just for 4 treatments?", I decided I am not a good candidate for toughing it out. I will be getting it next Thursday.
After vascillating today on the decision to have a port or not, I decided to have it. I talked to nurses at the oncologist and the surgeon, and just the discussion of I.V.'s made me begin to have that frantic, tearing-up feeling.
I have a very psycological reaction to I.V.'s, stemming back to the hospital when I was 6, with my eye surgeries. Ask Mom; she was with me when I had to get one as an adult for a procedure…I nearly got hysterical. The next time, I think Beth was with me, I did a little better but still cried. Last week when I had to have a thing left in for an hour during the muga scan, I cried even though it didn't hurt.
So even though, believe me, I considered "do I really want this just for 4 treatments?", I decided I am not a good candidate for toughing it out. I will be getting it next Thursday.
Wednesday, April 26, 2006 - Replies
HAHA! That IS a bonus!
Well, I'm glad that you explained all that was good news, otherwise I'd be very confused. : ) But, I'm glad things are looking positive! What is the port all about? The chemo has to have its own orifice? HAHA! Can you tell I'm loopy?? I'm not sure I like hairless. How about fur-free? Heck, you might even get a contract with PETA that way!! I guess if you have to be hairless, or fur-free, summer is the best time to do it. Just don't forget the sunscreen!!
If tan and thin went with it, I'd shave my head. If Kevin wouldn't divorce me over it, I'd shave my head in solidarity with you!!
Love you much!
Mary
===============
If you shaved your head, I'D divorce you! I love your hair...don't ever cut it.
Hair loss is temporary. I'm not overly concerned about it. Fur-free...good one. Stubble-free all summer. Brazilian wax w/out the wax. No plucking stray facial whiskers. I wish that part were permanent.
Orifice...LOL!! I can have a port, or I can be re-stuck everytime they need to have a needle in me. I don't do well with needles. Everyone I've spoken to recommends the port.
Shelli
================
HAHAHA! Please don't divorce me!! Luckily, I have no interest in cutting it! There are definitely some advantages to losing the hair -- and I'm with you; too bad some of them aren't permanent!
Yuck, I'm no good with needles either. The port sounds like a good plan!!
Mary
================
Wow! What good news. I am surprised ..............only 4 treatments. Look into the port thing.................you have to leave it in for a year is my understanding and they are a nuisance at best and can be painful in itself.
Four sticks maybe preferable. I'll try to call Anita Jo and ask her. She works for an onocologist.
Love,
Gaile
================
Hello dear niece,
I am glad to sense your sense of humor in all this. It will help see you through. I put your name in the temple again tonight and I will keep it there. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone on the 19th and 20th for the weddings. I love you.
Bonnie
===============
Dear Shelli,
If you are that phobic, you have definitely made the correct decision. They have a port that is for short term chemo. I emailed Anita, but haven't heard back. I ask a friend here that works in the field. She said that there are two kinds of ports. Childhood pain is a terrible legacy. I am so sorry about what you went through. I do know about "triggers." It sounds like you have a handle on what to expect.
Love to you,
Gaile
================
The thing that I am the most concerned about as a nurse is patient safety. I am assuming that she will receive Adriamycin. If this drug leaks out of the vein, which happens, It will cause the tissue to necrose. It is a very uncomfortable thing for nurses with experience to give into a vein. Even with the best of technique leaks happen. I had it happen oncewith a port. Luckily, I knew what to do when it happened and only a traceof chemo had been given. She developed a chemical burn but no sloughing of tissue and etc. I know it is another surgery but as a nurse I would get one myself. I would like Shelly to have my email address in case she has questions and etc.
Love,
Anita
Well, I'm glad that you explained all that was good news, otherwise I'd be very confused. : ) But, I'm glad things are looking positive! What is the port all about? The chemo has to have its own orifice? HAHA! Can you tell I'm loopy?? I'm not sure I like hairless. How about fur-free? Heck, you might even get a contract with PETA that way!! I guess if you have to be hairless, or fur-free, summer is the best time to do it. Just don't forget the sunscreen!!
If tan and thin went with it, I'd shave my head. If Kevin wouldn't divorce me over it, I'd shave my head in solidarity with you!!
Love you much!
Mary
===============
If you shaved your head, I'D divorce you! I love your hair...don't ever cut it.
Hair loss is temporary. I'm not overly concerned about it. Fur-free...good one. Stubble-free all summer. Brazilian wax w/out the wax. No plucking stray facial whiskers. I wish that part were permanent.
Orifice...LOL!! I can have a port, or I can be re-stuck everytime they need to have a needle in me. I don't do well with needles. Everyone I've spoken to recommends the port.
Shelli
================
HAHAHA! Please don't divorce me!! Luckily, I have no interest in cutting it! There are definitely some advantages to losing the hair -- and I'm with you; too bad some of them aren't permanent!
Yuck, I'm no good with needles either. The port sounds like a good plan!!
Mary
================
Wow! What good news. I am surprised ..............only 4 treatments. Look into the port thing.................you have to leave it in for a year is my understanding and they are a nuisance at best and can be painful in itself.
Four sticks maybe preferable. I'll try to call Anita Jo and ask her. She works for an onocologist.
Love,
Gaile
================
Hello dear niece,
I am glad to sense your sense of humor in all this. It will help see you through. I put your name in the temple again tonight and I will keep it there. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone on the 19th and 20th for the weddings. I love you.
Bonnie
===============
Dear Shelli,
If you are that phobic, you have definitely made the correct decision. They have a port that is for short term chemo. I emailed Anita, but haven't heard back. I ask a friend here that works in the field. She said that there are two kinds of ports. Childhood pain is a terrible legacy. I am so sorry about what you went through. I do know about "triggers." It sounds like you have a handle on what to expect.
Love to you,
Gaile
================
The thing that I am the most concerned about as a nurse is patient safety. I am assuming that she will receive Adriamycin. If this drug leaks out of the vein, which happens, It will cause the tissue to necrose. It is a very uncomfortable thing for nurses with experience to give into a vein. Even with the best of technique leaks happen. I had it happen oncewith a port. Luckily, I knew what to do when it happened and only a traceof chemo had been given. She developed a chemical burn but no sloughing of tissue and etc. I know it is another surgery but as a nurse I would get one myself. I would like Shelly to have my email address in case she has questions and etc.
Love,
Anita
Wednesday, May 3, 2006
Count-down to hair loss...
Hi All,
I had my appt with the oncologist today. Good news is he's cute, so I have TWO young attractive doctors touching my breasts.
OK, so that's just a bonus.
Good news, and this may or may not mean a thing to anyone, but he said it's good news: I am HER2 negative and hormone receptor positive. My bone scan, cat scan and muga scans were all good…no signs of metastisis anywhere but the one breast, and my heart is strong.
He wants to start chemo, 4 treatments, 2 wks apart, starting May 12; a week from this Friday. I have a call in to the surgeon's office to set up an appt to have a port put in before then.
So by the end of May, when it's getting good and hot, I should be smack in the middle of chemo, and hairless. ("Hairless" sounds much more desirable than "bald").
If only "tan" and "thin" came with it.
Love you all!
Hi All,
I had my appt with the oncologist today. Good news is he's cute, so I have TWO young attractive doctors touching my breasts.
OK, so that's just a bonus.
Good news, and this may or may not mean a thing to anyone, but he said it's good news: I am HER2 negative and hormone receptor positive. My bone scan, cat scan and muga scans were all good…no signs of metastisis anywhere but the one breast, and my heart is strong.
He wants to start chemo, 4 treatments, 2 wks apart, starting May 12; a week from this Friday. I have a call in to the surgeon's office to set up an appt to have a port put in before then.
So by the end of May, when it's getting good and hot, I should be smack in the middle of chemo, and hairless. ("Hairless" sounds much more desirable than "bald").
If only "tan" and "thin" came with it.
Love you all!
Friday, April 28, 2006
Reply from my Aunt:
Hi again!
Don't beat your self up about Brad. You have to remember there are genetic factors over which you had no control and also a pre-existence development.
Don't sweat the nurse not calling you too much. It could be a problem, but it is probably just a file that didn't get processed correctly. I hate to tell you how many test results have never been called to me. I always call them when I haven't heard when they say it should be in.
I am really proud of you. I have always known that you are capable of great spiritual insight. How wonderful to have such a supportive work environment. Maybe this is an act of pure love from Heavenly Father, pulling a well-loved daughter back to him.
I read something when I was young and have kept it all these years from George Elliott, "It's never too late to be what you should have been." The good news is that everyday is a new day with the Lord. He doesn't hold grudges, nor remind us how awful we have been. It's truly with open arms ready to embrace us with renewed hope and love. It's late and I have to get up early tomorrow. I love you and understand your anxiety. From my perspective, I see how terribly short life is and how fast it goes. All the things I thought were so important earlier in my life seem so unimportant now. Loving people and helping people are really the only thing that counts.
Love to you,
Gaile
Hi again!
Don't beat your self up about Brad. You have to remember there are genetic factors over which you had no control and also a pre-existence development.
Don't sweat the nurse not calling you too much. It could be a problem, but it is probably just a file that didn't get processed correctly. I hate to tell you how many test results have never been called to me. I always call them when I haven't heard when they say it should be in.
I am really proud of you. I have always known that you are capable of great spiritual insight. How wonderful to have such a supportive work environment. Maybe this is an act of pure love from Heavenly Father, pulling a well-loved daughter back to him.
I read something when I was young and have kept it all these years from George Elliott, "It's never too late to be what you should have been." The good news is that everyday is a new day with the Lord. He doesn't hold grudges, nor remind us how awful we have been. It's truly with open arms ready to embrace us with renewed hope and love. It's late and I have to get up early tomorrow. I love you and understand your anxiety. From my perspective, I see how terribly short life is and how fast it goes. All the things I thought were so important earlier in my life seem so unimportant now. Loving people and helping people are really the only thing that counts.
Love to you,
Gaile
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Dear Aunt Gaile,
Thank you so much for the email. We had a similar discussion in Relief Society this past Sunday, and as I shared comments, I seemed to gain insight even as I spoke. Tailor-made or just natural consequences of life, I do believe that we knew what we were getting into. I look at my life and have two choices....to ask "why me? what did I do to deserve all this", or to have faith that I did know what I was getting into, and still knew how important it was to be here, and "Shouted for joy" at the opportunity.
The thing that makes it hard is perspective. Pre-mortally, we looked at this life from the perspective of time in God's time-zone. We'd been around for thousands of years, and from there, life on earth must have looked brief. Like saying, "Gone for a day? Trials for a day? I can do that!!" (I exagerate, but you see my point.)
Now we are here, on earth's time, right in the middle of what is, in the Big Picture, a brief moment, but from our perspective here it seem SOOOOOOOOO long, because it's all we remember. That's been a struggle for me in the past few years; looking at the Big Picture. Had I not had the trials I have had in my life, I know I would be a different person today. But obviously that is not the person I need to be. I am, or am becoming, the person I need to be, for whatever it is I eventually need to do. I have had a renewed faith lately that I still do have yet to discover that thing.
I am very attached to my breasts. They are my "thing". Also, I think it has to do with having breast fed, and feeling so productive andf unctional for having done so. But, as a sister in my ward said (whorecently went through breast cancer / chemo / radiation AND a miriad of other health trials in their family), you handle what comes to you, even though you never thought you could handle one more thing. As I watched Mom go through all this, I thought, I can't do that. I thought, I can't do chemo, I'm afraid of what it will do to my brain; I feel addled enough all the time anyway. Then the doctor said chemo was what he wanted to do first, that it was my best shot at breast preservation. Ok, I feel likeI can handle it; hair will grow back, it's temporary; I have to have faith that my brain (and heart) will survive.
Now I've had all that testing, and have had a week and half of worry before my appt w/ the oncologist this coming Wednesday. The nurse from the surgeon's office hasn't called like she said she would with test results. Maybe there is something more and they are leaving it to the oncologist to break it to me. Maybe the cat scan showed some in the other breast. Maybe chemo won't do everything we wanted it to...I've been worried, and I realized yesterday that I was, and that it was keeping me tense. But, whatever it ends up being, I'll be able to deal. I'm taking it one step at a time, and whatever comes, even when a week prior I thought I couldn't handle it, when it comes up, it's ok. I can deal. I had a blessing when I first found out from my home teacher and the High Priest group leader in our ward, and then one a couple weeks ago from my Bishop, after he found out. Lots of people are praying for me, at church, in my family, and at work. And that has given me a sense of peace and calm, and the ability to cope. Immediately after the first blessing, I began to feel peaceful, and that has made all thedifference. I work with several very faithful people. None of them LDS, but active in their churches and very strong faithful people. Marty, our account rep here, is the only man in our office. I hadn't filled him in on the whole thing as it unfolded, because he hadn't been around when we all had been discussing, and it's not something that it's easy to approach someone with. But when I had the appt. to see the surgeon, I felt likeI needed Marty's faith behind me, so I wanted to tell him.
I think it was shortly after the appt, while I was waiting for biopsy results, he came into my office and sat down and asked me how I was doing. I filled him in and let him know that I was waiting for the biopsy results, but that the doctor was confident already that it was cancer. He expressed heart-felt concern and then immediately asked if we could pray. Right there in my office, he prayed out-loud for me. I was so touched. That Friday, the call came from the surgeon with the results. The ladies in the office knew what the call was and saw me crying, and they all gathered in my office around me. DJ, who is a part-time floater, (a RSPres-caliber person, and the Molliest non-Mormon I've ever met), went and got Marty, she told me later because she knew we needed to pray. We all gathered in my office and held hands while Marty again offered aprayer in my behalf. I was so very touched and moved and comforted by the faith of my co-workers. I am so impressed with Marty. He truly exemplifies the scripture "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ".
Anyhow, I am doing ok. Iknow I am keeping things tightly bottled up though. My body has been tense, I haven't been sleeping well. Last night I was lying in bed, thinking about the email I'd sent to everyone, thinking about the fact that I hadn't been to see Jeannie in a long time. I imagined in my mind just sitting in Grandma's living room and relaxing. That house has been my haven, my safe place, for my whole life. As I pictured it, and relaxed a bit, tears started to flow. So I know I have a pretty tight rein on things right now. Only a few more days until my oncologist appt. I will feel better when things are "in the works", and going forward, but I am a little worried. But also I do feel like I will cope, as upsetting as it may be. It doesn't sound like your oncologist was a very compassionate person. I am seeing the same surgeon that mom saw, and he is the nicest man, so compassionate. Not common in a surgeon, but he deals mostly with women and breast issues. I hope the oncologist is nice too. It's the same office mom went to, but a different doctor than she saw.
Yes, the way Brad is at home is my fault. He plays me, and has for a very long time. I've let him get away with it. He works for Dad, he works for Jolyn (a habit developed out of fear), and he works for other people. He whines about helping grandma sometimes, like mowing her lawn, but he does it. With 5 grandsons big enough to mow lawns, shes hould not be doing it. At home, for me, he is just awful. I've been trying to crack down lately, on the whining and the endless excuses andd iscussions and debates. I'm trying not to let inaction slide because I'm too tired or don't feel well.
I'll let you know what I hear from the oncologist on Wednesday. Thankyou for your prayers and love. Talk to you soon,
Love,
Shelli
Thank you so much for the email. We had a similar discussion in Relief Society this past Sunday, and as I shared comments, I seemed to gain insight even as I spoke. Tailor-made or just natural consequences of life, I do believe that we knew what we were getting into. I look at my life and have two choices....to ask "why me? what did I do to deserve all this", or to have faith that I did know what I was getting into, and still knew how important it was to be here, and "Shouted for joy" at the opportunity.
The thing that makes it hard is perspective. Pre-mortally, we looked at this life from the perspective of time in God's time-zone. We'd been around for thousands of years, and from there, life on earth must have looked brief. Like saying, "Gone for a day? Trials for a day? I can do that!!" (I exagerate, but you see my point.)
Now we are here, on earth's time, right in the middle of what is, in the Big Picture, a brief moment, but from our perspective here it seem SOOOOOOOOO long, because it's all we remember. That's been a struggle for me in the past few years; looking at the Big Picture. Had I not had the trials I have had in my life, I know I would be a different person today. But obviously that is not the person I need to be. I am, or am becoming, the person I need to be, for whatever it is I eventually need to do. I have had a renewed faith lately that I still do have yet to discover that thing.
I am very attached to my breasts. They are my "thing". Also, I think it has to do with having breast fed, and feeling so productive andf unctional for having done so. But, as a sister in my ward said (whorecently went through breast cancer / chemo / radiation AND a miriad of other health trials in their family), you handle what comes to you, even though you never thought you could handle one more thing. As I watched Mom go through all this, I thought, I can't do that. I thought, I can't do chemo, I'm afraid of what it will do to my brain; I feel addled enough all the time anyway. Then the doctor said chemo was what he wanted to do first, that it was my best shot at breast preservation. Ok, I feel likeI can handle it; hair will grow back, it's temporary; I have to have faith that my brain (and heart) will survive.
Now I've had all that testing, and have had a week and half of worry before my appt w/ the oncologist this coming Wednesday. The nurse from the surgeon's office hasn't called like she said she would with test results. Maybe there is something more and they are leaving it to the oncologist to break it to me. Maybe the cat scan showed some in the other breast. Maybe chemo won't do everything we wanted it to...I've been worried, and I realized yesterday that I was, and that it was keeping me tense. But, whatever it ends up being, I'll be able to deal. I'm taking it one step at a time, and whatever comes, even when a week prior I thought I couldn't handle it, when it comes up, it's ok. I can deal. I had a blessing when I first found out from my home teacher and the High Priest group leader in our ward, and then one a couple weeks ago from my Bishop, after he found out. Lots of people are praying for me, at church, in my family, and at work. And that has given me a sense of peace and calm, and the ability to cope. Immediately after the first blessing, I began to feel peaceful, and that has made all thedifference. I work with several very faithful people. None of them LDS, but active in their churches and very strong faithful people. Marty, our account rep here, is the only man in our office. I hadn't filled him in on the whole thing as it unfolded, because he hadn't been around when we all had been discussing, and it's not something that it's easy to approach someone with. But when I had the appt. to see the surgeon, I felt likeI needed Marty's faith behind me, so I wanted to tell him.
I think it was shortly after the appt, while I was waiting for biopsy results, he came into my office and sat down and asked me how I was doing. I filled him in and let him know that I was waiting for the biopsy results, but that the doctor was confident already that it was cancer. He expressed heart-felt concern and then immediately asked if we could pray. Right there in my office, he prayed out-loud for me. I was so touched. That Friday, the call came from the surgeon with the results. The ladies in the office knew what the call was and saw me crying, and they all gathered in my office around me. DJ, who is a part-time floater, (a RSPres-caliber person, and the Molliest non-Mormon I've ever met), went and got Marty, she told me later because she knew we needed to pray. We all gathered in my office and held hands while Marty again offered aprayer in my behalf. I was so very touched and moved and comforted by the faith of my co-workers. I am so impressed with Marty. He truly exemplifies the scripture "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ".
Anyhow, I am doing ok. Iknow I am keeping things tightly bottled up though. My body has been tense, I haven't been sleeping well. Last night I was lying in bed, thinking about the email I'd sent to everyone, thinking about the fact that I hadn't been to see Jeannie in a long time. I imagined in my mind just sitting in Grandma's living room and relaxing. That house has been my haven, my safe place, for my whole life. As I pictured it, and relaxed a bit, tears started to flow. So I know I have a pretty tight rein on things right now. Only a few more days until my oncologist appt. I will feel better when things are "in the works", and going forward, but I am a little worried. But also I do feel like I will cope, as upsetting as it may be. It doesn't sound like your oncologist was a very compassionate person. I am seeing the same surgeon that mom saw, and he is the nicest man, so compassionate. Not common in a surgeon, but he deals mostly with women and breast issues. I hope the oncologist is nice too. It's the same office mom went to, but a different doctor than she saw.
Yes, the way Brad is at home is my fault. He plays me, and has for a very long time. I've let him get away with it. He works for Dad, he works for Jolyn (a habit developed out of fear), and he works for other people. He whines about helping grandma sometimes, like mowing her lawn, but he does it. With 5 grandsons big enough to mow lawns, shes hould not be doing it. At home, for me, he is just awful. I've been trying to crack down lately, on the whining and the endless excuses andd iscussions and debates. I'm trying not to let inaction slide because I'm too tired or don't feel well.
I'll let you know what I hear from the oncologist on Wednesday. Thankyou for your prayers and love. Talk to you soon,
Love,
Shelli
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
A letter from my Aunt.
Dear Shelli,
My heart goes out to you. I know very well how difficult this is. Our prayers are with you. I was blessed to have the fibroids so badly thatI had no attachment to my breasts. I was glad to be finished with them.
Married, or not, I would have felt the same. I could no more "discover"a new lump than fly to the moon. Every three months my oncologist was aspirating as much as 20cc's of fluid from multiple tumors. That alongwith the pain of the fibroids-----------I never one day was sad to loose them.
Reconstruction is wonderful today. I did not miss my saggy breasts. I had it done twenty years ago and I am just now starting to sag a little again. The first tumor for me was contained and I opted not to have chemo or radiation. I got an answer that it was not necessary. They removed the tumor and did a resection which was not a pretty thing. The oncologist did that surgery. When I complained about how awful the scars were, he told me I was lucky to be alive. A plastic surgeon did the rest five years later when it was determined that all the glands were precancerous and with the fibroids, it was only a matter of time.
Trust the Lord Shelli, he will give you peace. I am glad that you have the support of your ward. I'm afraid you have to take credit for Brad.You tried to make life too easy and wonderful for him. Too bad children don't come with instruction manuals. (Not to mention the genetic factor) Structure is not your strong point and I'm afraid that is what it takes to get children to help. They certainly don't suddenly develop good habits at 14! The bad news is they don't really get much better until 16 and only then because you have the car to lord over them. They honestly don't turn into human beings until 18. It's not my favorite age. Fourteen is simply 2-year-olds grown older! I'm afraid it's a price you will have to pay for being more creative than practical. Sorry! I'm living with one too! Yuk!
You are so wonderful and so talented, I know that the Lord has something special for you. Life is funny------------it's not what we expect. TheLord loves us and will personally tutor us in the areas that we need strengthening. Every bump in life has its purpose. The peace the Lord gives has held me together more times than I can count. I have learned to trust the Great Tutor. He has taught me more than I ever dreamed of learning. I would never have had the courage to do the things He has called me to do by myself. I am who I am because of the trials he has tailored for me personally. At your age I probably wasn't too thrilled with another challenge in life, but from my perspective, I'm so grateful for all of them.
I love you and pray for you,
Gaile
Dear Shelli,
My heart goes out to you. I know very well how difficult this is. Our prayers are with you. I was blessed to have the fibroids so badly thatI had no attachment to my breasts. I was glad to be finished with them.
Married, or not, I would have felt the same. I could no more "discover"a new lump than fly to the moon. Every three months my oncologist was aspirating as much as 20cc's of fluid from multiple tumors. That alongwith the pain of the fibroids-----------I never one day was sad to loose them.
Reconstruction is wonderful today. I did not miss my saggy breasts. I had it done twenty years ago and I am just now starting to sag a little again. The first tumor for me was contained and I opted not to have chemo or radiation. I got an answer that it was not necessary. They removed the tumor and did a resection which was not a pretty thing. The oncologist did that surgery. When I complained about how awful the scars were, he told me I was lucky to be alive. A plastic surgeon did the rest five years later when it was determined that all the glands were precancerous and with the fibroids, it was only a matter of time.
Trust the Lord Shelli, he will give you peace. I am glad that you have the support of your ward. I'm afraid you have to take credit for Brad.You tried to make life too easy and wonderful for him. Too bad children don't come with instruction manuals. (Not to mention the genetic factor) Structure is not your strong point and I'm afraid that is what it takes to get children to help. They certainly don't suddenly develop good habits at 14! The bad news is they don't really get much better until 16 and only then because you have the car to lord over them. They honestly don't turn into human beings until 18. It's not my favorite age. Fourteen is simply 2-year-olds grown older! I'm afraid it's a price you will have to pay for being more creative than practical. Sorry! I'm living with one too! Yuk!
You are so wonderful and so talented, I know that the Lord has something special for you. Life is funny------------it's not what we expect. TheLord loves us and will personally tutor us in the areas that we need strengthening. Every bump in life has its purpose. The peace the Lord gives has held me together more times than I can count. I have learned to trust the Great Tutor. He has taught me more than I ever dreamed of learning. I would never have had the courage to do the things He has called me to do by myself. I am who I am because of the trials he has tailored for me personally. At your age I probably wasn't too thrilled with another challenge in life, but from my perspective, I'm so grateful for all of them.
I love you and pray for you,
Gaile
Monday, April 24, 2006
Although I know word gets around, I don't want anyone to think that I am trying to keep things to myself. It's just hard to bring it up to people, and sometimes it's easier to rely on word of mouth. So, Ithought maybe a "sisters and aunts" email group would be a good idea. Some of you already know the latest, but here goes: I do have breast cancer. It is low grade, type "1", NOT the fast growing type. It is, however, a "sizeable" tumor, about 3 cm. Because of the size, there is a 1 in 3 chance that some stray cells have already broken off. Therefore, the surgeon wants to do chemo first, to zap any strays and to hopefully shrink the main mass. He said this will be my best shot at breast preservation. Surgery first would have to be more radical, so hopefully, the chemo will do what we hope, and the surgery will be simpler.I did testing last week, cat scan, bone scan and muga (?) scan (for the heart). Haven't heard on any results yet. The surgeon's nurse said she would call me. I have an appt with the oncologist on May 3rd, so until then, I won't really know anything more. I've accepted doing chemo, and possibly being sick, and losing my hair, and eyebrows, and eyelashes. But that all is temporary. I'm not prepared to lose a breast, so I'm frankly not able to think past the chemo. One step at a time; sometimes blinders are helpful.
So, hoping I will not be too sick w/ the chemo, and that I will be able to work through it and not miss too much work that will end up being unpaid. I work for a good company, and my upper management is very understanding and supportive. I don't know that Brad fully understands what I'm up against and that I may be sick, and technically now, am already sick. I can't seem to get any more help out of him, or any better attitude toward helping. Does some of this 14 yr-old attitude magically go away when they turn 15? Or is it just something new to replace it? I guess I shielded him from too much of what Mom was going through when she was sick with her chemo and surgeries. Or, he may be just keeping it inside to deal with it. I don't know. His dad was going to have a talk w/ him about helping me more, and asked what he could do to help, but we all know how good he is w/ follow-through. Haha. My ward is very supportive. Dorothy, I was surprised that Lori and Tom hadn't heard yet; must be because they are in Primary. Lori came looking for me after the block and gave me a big hug and offered her support. Mom's cousin Louella is in my ward. Her husband, Gene is actually my home teacher, and that is how we discovered we were related. They check up on me regularly. I will let everyone know after my appt w/ the oncologist what the game plan is.
So, hoping I will not be too sick w/ the chemo, and that I will be able to work through it and not miss too much work that will end up being unpaid. I work for a good company, and my upper management is very understanding and supportive. I don't know that Brad fully understands what I'm up against and that I may be sick, and technically now, am already sick. I can't seem to get any more help out of him, or any better attitude toward helping. Does some of this 14 yr-old attitude magically go away when they turn 15? Or is it just something new to replace it? I guess I shielded him from too much of what Mom was going through when she was sick with her chemo and surgeries. Or, he may be just keeping it inside to deal with it. I don't know. His dad was going to have a talk w/ him about helping me more, and asked what he could do to help, but we all know how good he is w/ follow-through. Haha. My ward is very supportive. Dorothy, I was surprised that Lori and Tom hadn't heard yet; must be because they are in Primary. Lori came looking for me after the block and gave me a big hug and offered her support. Mom's cousin Louella is in my ward. Her husband, Gene is actually my home teacher, and that is how we discovered we were related. They check up on me regularly. I will let everyone know after my appt w/ the oncologist what the game plan is.
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