Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Yep, one more, this Friday. It seems to me that there has been more change in the mass this past week, since the last one, so I am excitedf or the doctor to see. When I was in for my 3rd, there hadn't been much change. Some, by his measurements, but not as much as I thought there would be. So, I could be having surgery very soon. Last week I did not have such an upbeat attitude. I was sick all week, from Sunday afternoon through Saturday, missed three days of work, and was just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. Work in general has been understanding. I do have FMLA papers on file.

My boss is difficult always, in subtle ways, and I think she is understanding of missed time only because she has to be. She is a person around whom the entire world revolves, and what is acceptable or unacceptable depends on whether or not it inconveniences or benefits her personally. Very egocentric. Always has to one-up people, whether it be illness, hardship, or good things...it's very tiresome, and she and I have butted heads many times. Currently I am in "shut up and put up" mode, because she tries to make everyone else around her look bad in order to make herself look better. I am not the only one who has issues w/ her, but I am the one who is in a position for her to have the most power over me. It is exhausting, and the idea of facing it sometimes makes me sicker than I am, and causes me to miss work. But I have to hang in there...I am here for at least another year because of my cancer and benefits, and until the market turns and there are more opportunities in the field again. Hopefully, in that time, I can keep my head down and there will be changes effected from other parties. It's really more stressful than the cancer.

There have been days when I would rather have had chemo again than come to work. It has gotten a little better in past week or so, but I don't have faith in it being a permanent change. Mom and I are a lot alike in ways I never fathomed before. We both have this need for things to be right and just, and have a hard time keeping our mouths shut about it. My doctor told me it's a manifestation of OCD.

Thank you for the compliments on my hair. It took me a long time to giveup the "big hair" look....haha. It looked cute short, though I missed the long curls. Don't know what I'll do when it grows back. Karri jested that we'll see what color my hair really is....I'm afraid it's going to grow back all gray and then I'll look my age...I still get guessed a few yrs younger than I really am. And YOU are a very handsome distinguished woman...you will look "good in the coffin" regardless of when you go. But I agree...95 holds no charm. I only want to be around as long as I can take care of myself too.